Long time... no see

It appears that I am averaging one post a month these days. I am going to try to work on this...

We have been super busy around here. Robbie's mom has had lots of health issues lately. We have spent lots of time taking her to the er and then visiting her daily in the hospital. About a week ago she was diagnosed with dementia and was moved to a rehab facility. Robbie has spent every moment not at work out there with her and come home to eat and sleep. It has been a bit taxing to say the least. I am not sure what will happen when her time there is up. I personally don't think she can live alone any longer, but she can't live with us either. We don't have any bedrooms downstairs. So, we shall see.

Robbie and his siblings have had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she is not going to be the same as she once was. I have had a hard time too because it frustrates me that they keep living in denial. So, life has been a little heated around here. But we will be ok. Please just pray that they can stay level headed and do what needs to be done for Linda. I love her dearly, but she is going to have to understand that we have things going on in our life that will not allow us to continue to sit with her daily to make her feel better. Our house is so messy and needs to be cleaned that I wouldn't even let a friend come inside yesterday when they came to pick up a cake. Our lives have been put on stand still, other than work and sleep.

I feel bad complaining in a situation like this, but I want my husband back! :)

I'm an aunt two weeks early

So, my sister didn't follow anything during her pregnancy. If she wanted it she had it, her bone head Dr. apparently told her she could smoke 3 cigs a day ( I am not sure I actually believe this but she did and probably then some the entire pregnancy). So, one would think it would catch up with her.

 Last Tuesday it finally did. She was admitted to the hospital for pre-eclampsia and 

scheduled for a csection. 

Friday my nephew Landon Douglas Harrington was born at 12:44 pm. He weighed 7 lbs and 7 oz and was 19 in long. He is presh! He is so cuddly! 

He looks like my sister when she was a baby. Sometimes the faces he makes look like my dad's mom, Mimi. My mom is a little over the top about being a grandmother, but I am sure it makes my sister happy that she is so happy with her and her baby. 

So here are some pics:

February already???

Can we just press pause please??? I can' t believe tomorrow is February. I feel like this year is going to fly by!

January in review:

• Back to school
• Polar Vortex causing it to be so cold they actually closed school for the temps not the threat of snow
• Polar Vortex gone for a day 67 degrees on a Sunday only for the temps to bottom out the next day for about a week... same cold as before but don't close school.
• Mother in law having some weird health issues going on. Seeing people in her house that aren't there. Turns out she needs 3 units of blood and Iron intravenous. Seems to be getting better, but still need to figure out where the blood is going. I have taken over doing her meds for the week because she is having trouble remembering what to take or if she has taken her meds. 
• Have my 1st unannounced evaluation with my principal, teaching Theme to 6 and 7 year olds... Higher level right??? Do great! Very happy with my scores. Can breathe for a little bit before she comes back for the next one. 
• Start 10 Advocare cleanse lose around 5 lbs. total
• Biggest Loser contest at work starts back up, lose 1.67 % of my body weight and tie for 2nd that week, only 0.4% the second week... but its still a loss right?
• Get nasty stomach bug... had to leave work it was so bad
• a few odd fertility related symptoms... mid cycle spotting, never had this before...gear up for O
• Finally get into ONE-DERLAND. It has been 7 years since I saw the 190s. 
• Hubby goes out of town for a 1 1/2 days and get smiley while he is gone :( But, luckily gets to come home same day (God is watching out for us)
• Realize that if we do catch this egg, we would be due the day of the miscarriage. 
• Working on getting the Dinning room fixed up. Got the hardwoods put in, now the entire down stairs is hard wood except the kitchen... plan to tackle that this summer. 

So... this month has flown by. I am kind of glad, because I haven't had time to dwell on the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle. But not starting February with the two week wait... yep that's right Valentine's day is the mark of the end of the two week wait. Let's hope that old Phil the ground hog doesn't see his shadow. We need spring to come on and thaw us all out! Super Bowl is Sunday too. Go Seahawks! Hoping they win the Super Bowl since none of my teams made it far enough this year!

cheated

That's how I feel. I am going to preface this whole post now with... This is a going to be one of those dark posts... one that raw emotion is shown... one that is not meant to offend or be insensitive... BUT, it might. This is EXACTLY how I feel right now... Read at you own risk.


Hope has left me hopeless. I am emotionally raw one minute and numb the next.

I must first say that I know in my intelligent mind that what I am about write will be completely irrational to some, offensive to some, and hitting the nail on the head for others. I can only hope that I don't stay feeling this way long. I would never have thought I would feel so cheated in my all of my years of infertility. Who knew it could get any worse... I never had a clue how one horrible event in my life could cause so much continued pain. I honestly laid in bed this morning sobbing and came to the realization that I wish I had never gotten pregnant. NOT SOMETHING I WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD SAY!!!! Today my most beautifully charted cycle ended. I can remember all those cd1s that were unbearable before I was able to get pregnant. They were excruciating. They really were hard, a good cry in the shower, a pig out, or a little retail therapy and I was back to lets go on to the next cycle. Sometimes it took a little longer. I knew it was a long shot and probably wouldn't happen and that was ok. I was going to give it the old college try and hope for the best...

Then bam, I got pregnant. Now, it was after 4 1/2 years of trying and almost 100 lbs later. So, not like bam really more like holy s*$#! No way. I took like 10 tests in 10 days all positive. Was exhausted, hubby was helping around the house instantly... (really crazy part). We  were having the miracle I always hoped we would. And then it was over faster than it took to become pregnant it seemed. I was broken. I was defeated. I was not a mom anymore. But worst of all, I got all the reassurance from anyone and everyone that, hey now you can get pregant. Now, I know that this was said with good intentions. But, it didn't make it any easier.

Fast forward a cycle. We sat out the next cycle, hoping that it would just hurry up. Well, it did and December was going to be the month. I was chosen as Blogger of the Month, I have prayers coming from all over and it was so amazing! I didn't have as hard of a time as I thought I might, but my ovulation kept stalling. This kindof made me wonder what the heck was up.  I ended up ovulating around Christmas Day give or take a day. My temps were up, a clear dip then back up higher.... Then negative test... Then another... then another. I started coming to grips with the fact that even with all the prayers, even doing the St. Andrew Novena, even with great timing, and temps, especially with the hope of others reassurance, "I was pregnant the next cycle I could try, or my friend went through that and was pregnant lickity split"... I was not going to be a mom this time either.  This CD1 is harder for me today than any back when I hadn't been pregnant. So, I tried the old comforts... I cried as I drove to the stores for retail therapy, I tried to eat a bunch, but duh I can't do that, I did cry in the shower. I even tried the new latte at Starbucks... (side bar I don't advise that one... too sweet) But, am not feeling renewed. I am not feeling more hopeful. I still feel angry, I still feel hopeless, I just feel like I am going to throw up and will probably take back most of the stuff I bought. I know I should pray, cry out to Jesus right now, He is probably the only one to give me peace... but really all I have right now is 1 question, Why can't we have a baby?

I know this seems completely ridiculous, and I know people will say you are just very hormonal, it will get better. But, honestly, I don't care what people think. Unless they are living my life or have been through this, they have no idea what I am feeling. (had this same talk with Hubby tonight... he doesn't see why I am so upset) I just wish I could go back to the hope that it would happen, not the hope that this is the one cause its already happened.

Now, if you have made it this far, please know that I realize there are so many out there that would die to be in my spot, or have situations going on in their lives that are so much worse or tragic. But, right now this is my tragedy and I tend to put my self last and everyone else first... I need to really express these feelings or it will only be worse in the next 38 days... since I averaging that long for cycles.

My head says suck it up butter cup... But my heart is broken.

I am so tired of seeing the life I wish I had, happening for everyone around me. But what makes it worse is that there is a current news story going on in my surrounding city, of a mom who left her sweet 7 week old baby at home supposedly alone (WHO DOES THAT???) when she went to take her older son to school. That sweet baby is reported missing. The mom is now in jail and the search was called off today. Apparently the mom knows that the baby is not ok and will not tell them where she is. I JUST CAN'T!!!! Why are there those of us who long for a baby, but people like this who are blessed with the little miracles???

I am sorry for my irrational tantrum... but I needed to get this out and pray that I will be able to move forward now, I do not like this person I have been today. I am angry! I am tired! and I am frustrated with my body not working properly!

Monkey Bars & Moving Forward

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

- C. S. Lewis

This quote made me laugh at first then it made me think. Its true, the only way to get across is to let go. I remember as a child trying to "get" monkey bars... The fear of letting go was bigger than the want to get across for me for a long time. I would get up there and hang... then try to get my feet back on and if I couldn't instead of just trying to grab a hold of the next bar, I would let go and fall to the ground. Honestly, it took me a long time to actually cross them. Of course not long after I figured them out and had the courage to let go and cross them... I ended up getting to big to have fun on them anymore. 

Anyway my point is, that in the past year I have had lots of monkey bars to cross. I hesitated often, sometimes I let go and moved on, others I stalled out and hung there until I couldn't anymore and just fell to the ground. Sometimes I could easily dust myself off and try it again, others it was much harder to even climb back on to the steps. Sometimes, especially in December, I could feel the prayers carry me right across to the other side. And really if I stop and think about it, the times I fell were not because I didn't have prayers helping me or God there to help me cross. I just didn't want to hear/ feel the help or encouragement to let go and move across. 

In this new year, I hope that I will keep this quote in mind. I feel like I have let go and left a lot of things that happened last year in the past. I am looking forward to this year being even more of a blessing. I want to try very hard to not let little down falls, or experiences define me for very long if at all. I know that in order to be where I am right now, I needed to experience everything that have. I pray that in this new year I can let go without fear. I know God has this and I need to trust him more. I have in the past said "oh I am giving it all to him"... YEAH RIGHT! I always came back with but maybe I can do this part, or I trust him but just in case I am going to do xyz... This year I am truly going to try to give it up. I really had an awesome Dec. knowing prayers were lifted for me, it was so much better that I had envisioned it. I was more focused in my prayers as well. It shows me that I can be at least a little less fearful if I stay focused on God's help through everything (this is nothing new, but I think I might have lost sight of this through out the year). 

This past Sunday's message was on a lot... Our minister's son gave the message and he jumps around a lot, but he's in divinity school, so he is learning... But, ultimately he was telling us that we are the messengers here on Earth and for our churches. We need to live our lives in a way that others not only see that what we say about our beliefs is truly what we believe and live by, but also that they want to know more about our beliefs. I want to strive to do this more. I am very open to talk to people about my faith if they ask... But I need to be more open to bring it up or share with someone I might otherwise in the past not.  

In a nut shell I want to live in a way that not only am I crossing monkey bars... I want to help others do the same. First, I am letting go of the fear of another miscarriage. I want to cross these monkey bars. Am I going to be concerned, yes! But worrying about it will only make things worse. If God's plan has for us to get pregnant again, I will not worry myself to death. I will slowly and carefully cross those monkey bars as we get to them. 

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Eve. I am so truly blessed in so many ways. I have seen the quote circulating around on FB that says something like, as we grow older, our Christmas list gets smaller because the gifts we want can't be bought... or something like that. This year more than ever I truly believe this. Not that I didn't before, but I really have had a hard time when people ask me what I would like coming up with anything that I truly want more than a baby. Of course only God can give us that.

I have written previously that this Christmas time was going to be especially hard. I would have been 13 weeks and 5 days today. But honestly, I have had moments that were tough. But thanks to all of the prayers sent up for me, and the distraction of the hustle and bustle... probably way more the prayers, I have been alright. Your prayers have helped ease a time that could have been a very depressing time for me.

I love how the hope, even the smallest amount of it left, kinda floats up when you need it to. It is keeping me afloat in this Christmas season. This is such a wondrous time of year. To think that Mary and Joseph just went, knowing that there might not be a place for them, knowing that she was going to have Jesus any time now, they went anyway. I pray that I can have as much trust in God to lead us where we need to go. Praying it is down the road to parenthood. But, if not I pray we trust him to show us what he really has in store for our lives.

During this season of waiting... I have been doing a lot of that... and my hope was a little frazzled... I should have ovulated well over a week ago... The hubs and I had a convo Sunday night at dinner about it being bd day... He was like to be honest I have kind of given up. I said we can put it off til tomorrow if would like to ( knowing in my heart it could put us out of the running), but told him there is still a chance that with me being sick and all the parties and what not that it was just delayed a little... see there that little bit of hope keeps poking its head... but low and behold I got a little present today... of all days... looks like ovulation is upon us. This is the kind of thing that makes me smile, not because I want a baby more than life itself, but because God has shown me that I need to be patient, and let him do his thing!

I hear and trust you God! And, St. Andrew if you have anything to do with this I thank you too!
Merry Christmas too all!

Twelve

Around this time of year most people associate 12 with the days of Christmas.... But for me this year, it is the milestone of 12 weeks I should be celebrating. I have dealt with this loss pretty well considering (I guess... I've obviously never dealt with this type of loss before). But today, I would have been 12 weeks exactly. Our plan was to shout it from the roof tops around this time. But, silently I am sad, even cried a bit on my way to a Christmas party.
My day started with packing a small truck( not really, but no lie I looked like a bag lady walking in to school) for Polar Express day. I had to take all the ingredients for making hot chocolate from scratch, and gingerbread cookies, bells, etc. We wore our PJs and watched the movie. It was a super busy day, which really helped keep my mind off things.  After school I had to burn the birthday dvd I made for my sister. While doing so I talked with Robbie about who was coming to the party and what not. Then I realized there will be pregnant people at the party. This was never really that big of a deal before, but tonight it started me thinking about what today was.

I headed off to my DG Christmas party. I always love seeing these lovely ladies. I miss seeing them as often as we used to, but everyone has life going on, children, jobs, etc. It is always great to see them and laugh about stupid things, catch up on what is going on with everyone. We play dirty Santa and this year I lost the most awesome gift. But that is ok, its not about that. Tonight was tough at times. Only 2 of these girls know about our loss. So, I couldn't really talk about it. We are throwing a Christmas party tomorrow night and I had to leave earlier than usual so I could finish shopping for the party and come home to clean up the house... Here I sit writing a blog post instead. I am just worn out. Why is it that when we have so much going on we are so worn out it almost seems impossible to get anything done.

I am rambling now... I need to go to bed, but I just needed to tell someone about my struggle today. I don't want talk to the hubs about it because I don't want him to get upset or down in the dumps about it.   I guess I will always have days like these. I am grateful that I don't have them that often. I am also grateful that so many people are praying for me and our journey. I think that that might just be the reason I have fewer sad days that happy.