Long time... no see

It appears that I am averaging one post a month these days. I am going to try to work on this...

We have been super busy around here. Robbie's mom has had lots of health issues lately. We have spent lots of time taking her to the er and then visiting her daily in the hospital. About a week ago she was diagnosed with dementia and was moved to a rehab facility. Robbie has spent every moment not at work out there with her and come home to eat and sleep. It has been a bit taxing to say the least. I am not sure what will happen when her time there is up. I personally don't think she can live alone any longer, but she can't live with us either. We don't have any bedrooms downstairs. So, we shall see.

Robbie and his siblings have had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she is not going to be the same as she once was. I have had a hard time too because it frustrates me that they keep living in denial. So, life has been a little heated around here. But we will be ok. Please just pray that they can stay level headed and do what needs to be done for Linda. I love her dearly, but she is going to have to understand that we have things going on in our life that will not allow us to continue to sit with her daily to make her feel better. Our house is so messy and needs to be cleaned that I wouldn't even let a friend come inside yesterday when they came to pick up a cake. Our lives have been put on stand still, other than work and sleep.

I feel bad complaining in a situation like this, but I want my husband back! :)

I'm an aunt two weeks early

So, my sister didn't follow anything during her pregnancy. If she wanted it she had it, her bone head Dr. apparently told her she could smoke 3 cigs a day ( I am not sure I actually believe this but she did and probably then some the entire pregnancy). So, one would think it would catch up with her.

 Last Tuesday it finally did. She was admitted to the hospital for pre-eclampsia and 

scheduled for a csection. 

Friday my nephew Landon Douglas Harrington was born at 12:44 pm. He weighed 7 lbs and 7 oz and was 19 in long. He is presh! He is so cuddly! 

He looks like my sister when she was a baby. Sometimes the faces he makes look like my dad's mom, Mimi. My mom is a little over the top about being a grandmother, but I am sure it makes my sister happy that she is so happy with her and her baby. 

So here are some pics:

February already???

Can we just press pause please??? I can' t believe tomorrow is February. I feel like this year is going to fly by!

January in review:

• Back to school
• Polar Vortex causing it to be so cold they actually closed school for the temps not the threat of snow
• Polar Vortex gone for a day 67 degrees on a Sunday only for the temps to bottom out the next day for about a week... same cold as before but don't close school.
• Mother in law having some weird health issues going on. Seeing people in her house that aren't there. Turns out she needs 3 units of blood and Iron intravenous. Seems to be getting better, but still need to figure out where the blood is going. I have taken over doing her meds for the week because she is having trouble remembering what to take or if she has taken her meds. 
• Have my 1st unannounced evaluation with my principal, teaching Theme to 6 and 7 year olds... Higher level right??? Do great! Very happy with my scores. Can breathe for a little bit before she comes back for the next one. 
• Start 10 Advocare cleanse lose around 5 lbs. total
• Biggest Loser contest at work starts back up, lose 1.67 % of my body weight and tie for 2nd that week, only 0.4% the second week... but its still a loss right?
• Get nasty stomach bug... had to leave work it was so bad
• a few odd fertility related symptoms... mid cycle spotting, never had this before...gear up for O
• Finally get into ONE-DERLAND. It has been 7 years since I saw the 190s. 
• Hubby goes out of town for a 1 1/2 days and get smiley while he is gone :( But, luckily gets to come home same day (God is watching out for us)
• Realize that if we do catch this egg, we would be due the day of the miscarriage. 
• Working on getting the Dinning room fixed up. Got the hardwoods put in, now the entire down stairs is hard wood except the kitchen... plan to tackle that this summer. 

So... this month has flown by. I am kind of glad, because I haven't had time to dwell on the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle. But not starting February with the two week wait... yep that's right Valentine's day is the mark of the end of the two week wait. Let's hope that old Phil the ground hog doesn't see his shadow. We need spring to come on and thaw us all out! Super Bowl is Sunday too. Go Seahawks! Hoping they win the Super Bowl since none of my teams made it far enough this year!

cheated

That's how I feel. I am going to preface this whole post now with... This is a going to be one of those dark posts... one that raw emotion is shown... one that is not meant to offend or be insensitive... BUT, it might. This is EXACTLY how I feel right now... Read at you own risk.


Hope has left me hopeless. I am emotionally raw one minute and numb the next.

I must first say that I know in my intelligent mind that what I am about write will be completely irrational to some, offensive to some, and hitting the nail on the head for others. I can only hope that I don't stay feeling this way long. I would never have thought I would feel so cheated in my all of my years of infertility. Who knew it could get any worse... I never had a clue how one horrible event in my life could cause so much continued pain. I honestly laid in bed this morning sobbing and came to the realization that I wish I had never gotten pregnant. NOT SOMETHING I WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD SAY!!!! Today my most beautifully charted cycle ended. I can remember all those cd1s that were unbearable before I was able to get pregnant. They were excruciating. They really were hard, a good cry in the shower, a pig out, or a little retail therapy and I was back to lets go on to the next cycle. Sometimes it took a little longer. I knew it was a long shot and probably wouldn't happen and that was ok. I was going to give it the old college try and hope for the best...

Then bam, I got pregnant. Now, it was after 4 1/2 years of trying and almost 100 lbs later. So, not like bam really more like holy s*$#! No way. I took like 10 tests in 10 days all positive. Was exhausted, hubby was helping around the house instantly... (really crazy part). We  were having the miracle I always hoped we would. And then it was over faster than it took to become pregnant it seemed. I was broken. I was defeated. I was not a mom anymore. But worst of all, I got all the reassurance from anyone and everyone that, hey now you can get pregant. Now, I know that this was said with good intentions. But, it didn't make it any easier.

Fast forward a cycle. We sat out the next cycle, hoping that it would just hurry up. Well, it did and December was going to be the month. I was chosen as Blogger of the Month, I have prayers coming from all over and it was so amazing! I didn't have as hard of a time as I thought I might, but my ovulation kept stalling. This kindof made me wonder what the heck was up.  I ended up ovulating around Christmas Day give or take a day. My temps were up, a clear dip then back up higher.... Then negative test... Then another... then another. I started coming to grips with the fact that even with all the prayers, even doing the St. Andrew Novena, even with great timing, and temps, especially with the hope of others reassurance, "I was pregnant the next cycle I could try, or my friend went through that and was pregnant lickity split"... I was not going to be a mom this time either.  This CD1 is harder for me today than any back when I hadn't been pregnant. So, I tried the old comforts... I cried as I drove to the stores for retail therapy, I tried to eat a bunch, but duh I can't do that, I did cry in the shower. I even tried the new latte at Starbucks... (side bar I don't advise that one... too sweet) But, am not feeling renewed. I am not feeling more hopeful. I still feel angry, I still feel hopeless, I just feel like I am going to throw up and will probably take back most of the stuff I bought. I know I should pray, cry out to Jesus right now, He is probably the only one to give me peace... but really all I have right now is 1 question, Why can't we have a baby?

I know this seems completely ridiculous, and I know people will say you are just very hormonal, it will get better. But, honestly, I don't care what people think. Unless they are living my life or have been through this, they have no idea what I am feeling. (had this same talk with Hubby tonight... he doesn't see why I am so upset) I just wish I could go back to the hope that it would happen, not the hope that this is the one cause its already happened.

Now, if you have made it this far, please know that I realize there are so many out there that would die to be in my spot, or have situations going on in their lives that are so much worse or tragic. But, right now this is my tragedy and I tend to put my self last and everyone else first... I need to really express these feelings or it will only be worse in the next 38 days... since I averaging that long for cycles.

My head says suck it up butter cup... But my heart is broken.

I am so tired of seeing the life I wish I had, happening for everyone around me. But what makes it worse is that there is a current news story going on in my surrounding city, of a mom who left her sweet 7 week old baby at home supposedly alone (WHO DOES THAT???) when she went to take her older son to school. That sweet baby is reported missing. The mom is now in jail and the search was called off today. Apparently the mom knows that the baby is not ok and will not tell them where she is. I JUST CAN'T!!!! Why are there those of us who long for a baby, but people like this who are blessed with the little miracles???

I am sorry for my irrational tantrum... but I needed to get this out and pray that I will be able to move forward now, I do not like this person I have been today. I am angry! I am tired! and I am frustrated with my body not working properly!

Monkey Bars & Moving Forward

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

- C. S. Lewis

This quote made me laugh at first then it made me think. Its true, the only way to get across is to let go. I remember as a child trying to "get" monkey bars... The fear of letting go was bigger than the want to get across for me for a long time. I would get up there and hang... then try to get my feet back on and if I couldn't instead of just trying to grab a hold of the next bar, I would let go and fall to the ground. Honestly, it took me a long time to actually cross them. Of course not long after I figured them out and had the courage to let go and cross them... I ended up getting to big to have fun on them anymore. 

Anyway my point is, that in the past year I have had lots of monkey bars to cross. I hesitated often, sometimes I let go and moved on, others I stalled out and hung there until I couldn't anymore and just fell to the ground. Sometimes I could easily dust myself off and try it again, others it was much harder to even climb back on to the steps. Sometimes, especially in December, I could feel the prayers carry me right across to the other side. And really if I stop and think about it, the times I fell were not because I didn't have prayers helping me or God there to help me cross. I just didn't want to hear/ feel the help or encouragement to let go and move across. 

In this new year, I hope that I will keep this quote in mind. I feel like I have let go and left a lot of things that happened last year in the past. I am looking forward to this year being even more of a blessing. I want to try very hard to not let little down falls, or experiences define me for very long if at all. I know that in order to be where I am right now, I needed to experience everything that have. I pray that in this new year I can let go without fear. I know God has this and I need to trust him more. I have in the past said "oh I am giving it all to him"... YEAH RIGHT! I always came back with but maybe I can do this part, or I trust him but just in case I am going to do xyz... This year I am truly going to try to give it up. I really had an awesome Dec. knowing prayers were lifted for me, it was so much better that I had envisioned it. I was more focused in my prayers as well. It shows me that I can be at least a little less fearful if I stay focused on God's help through everything (this is nothing new, but I think I might have lost sight of this through out the year). 

This past Sunday's message was on a lot... Our minister's son gave the message and he jumps around a lot, but he's in divinity school, so he is learning... But, ultimately he was telling us that we are the messengers here on Earth and for our churches. We need to live our lives in a way that others not only see that what we say about our beliefs is truly what we believe and live by, but also that they want to know more about our beliefs. I want to strive to do this more. I am very open to talk to people about my faith if they ask... But I need to be more open to bring it up or share with someone I might otherwise in the past not.  

In a nut shell I want to live in a way that not only am I crossing monkey bars... I want to help others do the same. First, I am letting go of the fear of another miscarriage. I want to cross these monkey bars. Am I going to be concerned, yes! But worrying about it will only make things worse. If God's plan has for us to get pregnant again, I will not worry myself to death. I will slowly and carefully cross those monkey bars as we get to them. 

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Eve. I am so truly blessed in so many ways. I have seen the quote circulating around on FB that says something like, as we grow older, our Christmas list gets smaller because the gifts we want can't be bought... or something like that. This year more than ever I truly believe this. Not that I didn't before, but I really have had a hard time when people ask me what I would like coming up with anything that I truly want more than a baby. Of course only God can give us that.

I have written previously that this Christmas time was going to be especially hard. I would have been 13 weeks and 5 days today. But honestly, I have had moments that were tough. But thanks to all of the prayers sent up for me, and the distraction of the hustle and bustle... probably way more the prayers, I have been alright. Your prayers have helped ease a time that could have been a very depressing time for me.

I love how the hope, even the smallest amount of it left, kinda floats up when you need it to. It is keeping me afloat in this Christmas season. This is such a wondrous time of year. To think that Mary and Joseph just went, knowing that there might not be a place for them, knowing that she was going to have Jesus any time now, they went anyway. I pray that I can have as much trust in God to lead us where we need to go. Praying it is down the road to parenthood. But, if not I pray we trust him to show us what he really has in store for our lives.

During this season of waiting... I have been doing a lot of that... and my hope was a little frazzled... I should have ovulated well over a week ago... The hubs and I had a convo Sunday night at dinner about it being bd day... He was like to be honest I have kind of given up. I said we can put it off til tomorrow if would like to ( knowing in my heart it could put us out of the running), but told him there is still a chance that with me being sick and all the parties and what not that it was just delayed a little... see there that little bit of hope keeps poking its head... but low and behold I got a little present today... of all days... looks like ovulation is upon us. This is the kind of thing that makes me smile, not because I want a baby more than life itself, but because God has shown me that I need to be patient, and let him do his thing!

I hear and trust you God! And, St. Andrew if you have anything to do with this I thank you too!
Merry Christmas too all!

Twelve

Around this time of year most people associate 12 with the days of Christmas.... But for me this year, it is the milestone of 12 weeks I should be celebrating. I have dealt with this loss pretty well considering (I guess... I've obviously never dealt with this type of loss before). But today, I would have been 12 weeks exactly. Our plan was to shout it from the roof tops around this time. But, silently I am sad, even cried a bit on my way to a Christmas party.
My day started with packing a small truck( not really, but no lie I looked like a bag lady walking in to school) for Polar Express day. I had to take all the ingredients for making hot chocolate from scratch, and gingerbread cookies, bells, etc. We wore our PJs and watched the movie. It was a super busy day, which really helped keep my mind off things.  After school I had to burn the birthday dvd I made for my sister. While doing so I talked with Robbie about who was coming to the party and what not. Then I realized there will be pregnant people at the party. This was never really that big of a deal before, but tonight it started me thinking about what today was.

I headed off to my DG Christmas party. I always love seeing these lovely ladies. I miss seeing them as often as we used to, but everyone has life going on, children, jobs, etc. It is always great to see them and laugh about stupid things, catch up on what is going on with everyone. We play dirty Santa and this year I lost the most awesome gift. But that is ok, its not about that. Tonight was tough at times. Only 2 of these girls know about our loss. So, I couldn't really talk about it. We are throwing a Christmas party tomorrow night and I had to leave earlier than usual so I could finish shopping for the party and come home to clean up the house... Here I sit writing a blog post instead. I am just worn out. Why is it that when we have so much going on we are so worn out it almost seems impossible to get anything done.

I am rambling now... I need to go to bed, but I just needed to tell someone about my struggle today. I don't want talk to the hubs about it because I don't want him to get upset or down in the dumps about it.   I guess I will always have days like these. I am grateful that I don't have them that often. I am also grateful that so many people are praying for me and our journey. I think that that might just be the reason I have fewer sad days that happy.

Mayo Family Tradition... ends with a fat lip

Every year we get together at my parents to decorate their 12 ft tall christmas tree. Now my mom overdoes ever holiday, but christmas is at the top of the list. She has like 6 trees through out the house. The big one has lots of our ornaments from over the year and she gets new ones each year. They are the glass specialty kind. It really is the most beautiful tree when we are all finished. We always watch Christmas Vacation while we decorate.

This year my sister is a big as the broad side of a barn talking about how much the baby is moving, her fiance is not really into the decorating, my hubs is helpful but really doesn't want to help, my dad is busy on his computer, bring the tree downstairs is what he has done to help out. I am stuck helping mom and lets just face it I have already completely decorated my own tree.

This year we decorated half and ate dinner. Afterwards Robbie and I start hanging things on the tree. My mom goes up the stairs behind it to put stuff in the top of the tree... and loses her footing and slips down the stairs, and ends up on top of a large rubbermaid tub of very breakable ornaments. I rush over to help check her out and she thinks she is ok. See she has an artificial knee so I am asking how her knee is, she kind of looked stunned but said her knees were fine. But I quickly notice she is bleeding from her mouth. I took her in the bathroom and it appears she has bit her upper lip. Needless to say we all flipped out, my pregnant sister freaked and was crying. Then my mom was crying because she just wanted to get the tree done. I then started feeling like a heel for not finishing it earlier in the night... Tomorrow my mom is going to be so sore I am sure. I just hope and pray that the lip is really the only injury. It scared the crap out of me.

So, if you could please say a prayer that she is ok and not in too much pain. We are taking a taller ladder over tomorrow night to finish putting the ornaments and topper on the tree... But I am thinking they just need a shorter tree.

December Adopt A Blogger

I am so honored to have been nominated as the adopt a blogger this month. Here is a brief look into my little life. I am a 1st grade teacher in my hometown. I am married to my best friend, and have two precious pups, Zeke and Zoe. We moved back in March and live just down the street from my parents and about a mile from his mom.  I have never wanted anything more than to be wife and mom. My sister lives in my town too, she is pregnant with her first due in March. Anyway, my husband and I got married in June 2008. A few months before we got married I got the mirena iud, because we weren't planning on having kids quickly. Well, before our first anniversary, the kiddo bug had bit us both and I got it removed. I must add here we were some of the last of our friends to get married and by our first anniversary everyone was on there first and/or second child. At this point they all made it look so easy. We completely were blindsided by all the talk of PCOS, infertility, and being branded by my obgyn. 

So, in 2010 my obgyn referred me to an RE in my town. Well, he said weight had a lot to do with it, so I tried to lose weight. I lost a little and we did 2 rounds of clomid, when that was not working we did clomid, shots, and iui. It was again a big disappointment on top of the craziness the meds caused me. I had a moment of clarity and we took some time off. Fast forward to 2011, new obgyn and new thing thrown at me.... weightloss surgery. Fast forward to Nov 2012 I bit the bullet, committed to losing the weight, had surgery, and 11 months and 90 lbs later we start trying again after 4 1/2 year of never getting pregnant. With A LOT of prayer and ovulation sticks, I was sure I was out, but low and behold, our prayers were answered. Unfortunately, the weekend after my confirmation appointment with a new obgyn and close friend, I started miscarrying. At that point it was bitter sweet. I was so happy, happier than I have ever been for the 10 or 12 days that I knew I was pregnant... As much pain as I was feeling afterwards, I had to hold on to the fact that I had gotten pregnant without meds and or doctors. 

Today (of all days) is the start of a new cycle and we have the hope that this cycle could be our very own Christmas miracle. The holidays have always been a little tough, this one will be a little tougher, knowing I should have been ending my first trimester on Christmas eve... We were so excited. We even got reveal pictures taken the day before the miscarriage happened to give as Christmas gifts. Thank you for taking the time to read about me, and more importantly for the prayers! Please leave me comments of things you would like prayers for. I am praying the St. Andrews Novena right now and would love to pray for you too! 

Here is the link to the adopt-ablogger blog

THANK YOU in advance and Merry Christmas!

It's A Wonderful Life...

One of my favorite Christmas movies.... But, truly I kind of feel like George and Mary with this old house... the only thing missing is all the children. But, now that we have the space, hopefully God will bless us with at least one kiddo to fill some of these rooms.  I am praying the St. Andrew's novena from Nov. 30th  - Christmas. I find it so calming and really draws me closer to God.

Aside from the prayer putting me in the Christmas spirit, my Christmas cards came yesterday!!! And this Thanksgiving break I have spent a lot of time decorating our spaces. I also got a super black Friday deal on a new bigger Christmas tree. I am so loving all the decorations, and get the biggest smile on my face when I look around our humble abode. :) "Smiling is my favorite!"  - Elf

Anyway here a few pics of Christmas at the Robbins' Roost :

Liebster Award

Thank you Stephanie at Blessed to Be for the nomination for the Liebster award. I love reading your blog! You are such an encourager and sweet spirited blogger! I am blessed to be your blogger buddy! :)

Now to answer your questions...

My 11 questions for you, dear award winners:

1.) Why do you blog? I started blogging because I needed an outlet for all of my roller coaster of emotions dealing with infertility. I also think it is great to document life experiences so that I have them when my memory might not be so great. :)

2.) What is your favorite smell? Right now my favorite smell is Pumpkin Pecan Waffles from Bath and Body Works. It is simply DEVINE!

3.) What would you have as your last meal? Include appetizer, main course, and dessert. hmmm. this is a hard one. Appetizer - some sort of chip and dip... I am a sucker for that especially at Mexican places. Main Course - probably a fillet and baked potato or maybe crab legs I love both of those. Dessert - some sort of brownie a la mode or something like that.

4.) If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?  I really have no idea about this one...

5.) Who's your favorite Disney character? Cinderella 

6.) What movie did you most recently watch? Cheesy Christmas movie on Hallmark Channel

7.) What song are you currently listening to on repeat? I can't seem to get that pit bull song out of my head since the AMAs the other night... Timber it muse be about a lumber jack or something lol

8.) Cupcake or slice of pie? cupcake hands down... my pumpkin spice with cream cheese icing beats pie any old day!

9.) If you could have any miniaturized animal as a pet, what would you pick? (e.g. My husband wants a mini-bear.) I have always wanted a pet pig. I guess it started with Charlotte's Web. 

10.) If you just found out company was coming over in a few hours, what dish would you whip up for them? meat loaf & hash brown casserole or tacos... we always have the ingredients for both 

11.) Summarize yourself in 4 words. GO!   smart, kind, leader, creative

Christmas Cards!!!

I am so super excited about our christmas cards this year. Of course I would have been more excited to use it as our reveal about being pregnant... But, I am trying to stay positive. I decided to go on and use the picture we planned on using with a christmas gift even thought its not our little miracle inside. :( It just turned out so freaking good I couldn't not use it. Anyway, I love our photographer!!! She is amazing and she didn't send me any of the pregnancy related photos since she knew our situation. I hate it though cause I bet they were so cute!
I love that Shutterfly gives so many discount codes around this time of year. I got our Christmas cards for less than $1.00 a piece!!! I can't wait to get them in and start addressing them!!! It just totally puts me in the Christmas spirit! But, without further ado...

Stationery Card

View the entire collection of cards.

1 year ago...

This was me. Tired, extremely over weight, sad, not so fun to be around. Trying to smile and look happy but really dying inside! This pic was actually in September, but I am 100% it was at my highest weight!
Who is that person?

Fast forward to the 4th of July this year...
Side by side of the 4th 2012 and 2013 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!

Here I am in early October this year... same yearly party as the first pic... 

BFF and I made sure to take another pic like last year. WOW! I actually bought the shirt I have on at Ann Taylor Loft that same day... right of the rack... size large... and on sale for $10.  It has been YEARS since I could even set foot in that store, let alone wear a large. 

And here are my Pictures from the Doctor... Oh how it makes me so sad to look at the old me.

 Thank God I made this change!

I have lost at total of 36 inches from chest, hips, and waist. 

I have lost a total of 90 lbs.

I have dropped 5 sizes about to move down again. :)

This next one is not the best pic of me now... but it definitely shows my progress! Can't wait to get our professional pics back... I actually bought my first pair of "skinny jeans" for our Christmas card pics.

I finally am ok with taking pictures again... I don't have to hide when there is a camera anymore!

What a difference a year can make!

1 week later

Well, a week ago today was the saddest, most disappointing day of our lives thus far. Even though we will never stop grieving this loss, we have moved to a place where functioning "normally" is coming back. I go back to work tomorrow... I am praying that no one asks me where I was all week, or if I am ok. I just want to be in my classroom with my kiddos.

I am only going to be there until lunch though... tomorrow is my 1 year post op appointment. I am very happy with my weight loss over the past year. I am at 90 lbs lost. But, I do wish I could have been at 100 or even 125 at this point. I know if I had worked at it a tad more I would have been there. I am making it my priority to get the next 30 to 35 off by February. I am going to hit the gym 5 days a week. There is not excuse. Not to mention we can't "try" for a whole cycle. So, I could get some weight off before we are able to start back. And the elliptical machine will totally shutter when I get on cause I have A LOT of built up anger after this loss. What better way to get it out... my new anger management :)

I know that the holidays are coming and that can be a set back. But I am going to make an example of how to eat healthy and still manage to enjoy the holidays! Its all about portion control.

And above all... this gives me something to focus on.

Day 3

Well yesterday I went back to the dr to have more blood work. It appears that my levels were low on Friday when I went in for the confirmation appointment. So, the process had already started without knowing.... I did have an inkling of an idea when the test was faint and the ultrasounds "tiniest little sac" comment. Yesterday, my hcg had gone down from 49 to 4, so we are almost done. My dr said that my progesterone was low on friday and that to be safe next time as soon as I get a positive test to start the progesterone.

So I have the prescription already... See he gave me the prescription on Friday, but Kroger didn't call me to tell me they don't fill that in their pharmacy so when I went to pick it up it was already after hours for the pharmacy that does and guess what??? All of the pharmacies that do fill that are closed on the weekends. :(

I am doing better than I thought. I still can't say it without bursting into tears. I am not sure I will ever be able to. The bleeding has almost stopped. Thank God! I think that is what makes it worse... seeing my pregnancy flush down the toilet (sorry so blunt... but that is literally what I have done for the past 2 1/2 days).

Today is a bittersweet day in our family. Aside from dealing with this loss, I was supposed to go with my sister at 2 to find out what she is having. Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. Now, I am not going, I am practicing my put on a happy face for when she tells me what she is having.

Why oh why does this have to happen? What a horrible experience. I know that this happened because something was not right... but why let it happen at all if its not going to be right? I know its nothing we did, I know its better this way, but that does not change the hurt and pain! I know I am not alone in this thought process or experience. I hate that any one of us ever has to go through this. I guess as my dad has always told me, "it builds character." But even he said, I have my fill of character and this just sucks! The only thing I can do is cry out to Jesus! I have not been able to get that song out of my head since Saturday night.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We need them and feel them.

The post I have never wanted to read or write myself...

God works in miraculous ways. The morning after my last post I woke up to a little temp jump so I said , what the heck! and took a test, I mean I had one a few. I mean I expected it was negative and I would start sometime that day anyway. But to my wondering eyes a very faint positive was right there on the test. I was sure it was just a fluke. All day I was waiting to start. But realized, I too could have a BFP on my hands. I took another test that night and bam much darker very obvious positive. The next morning I used the last First Response I had left... TWO PINK LINES!!! I was in complete SHOCK!

Almost 4 1/2 years of trying with no positive ever, I was beside myself. I was conflicted because I had written the post on Wednesday and do I tell my blogger buddies... But due to the fact that I know too many who have had complications, I decided to keep mums the word. I told my hubs by having him open the book "Dude, You're Going to Be a Dad!" He was much like me cautiously optimistic... shoot he was over the moon. He was on the phone with his best friend for so long he burned our dinner. :)

I bought more test but spaced them out until my dr. appointment on Friday. I got positives each time even on the digitals. Man the rush of emotions of getting the word pregnant on those tests. I had instant forgetfulness, and horribly sore tatas. I had wavering nausea and was exhausted. So, I didn't worry at that point other than the fact that the positive tests weren't getting as dark as the control lines.

I got to my dr. appointment on Friday and was a little worried when the test at the office was pretty faint. But my dr. reassured me that their tests were less sensitive than the ones you buy at the store. Then I had an ultrasound with the most insensitive tech ever!!! She started by saying she was so behind... Then she went on to say that it was the tiniest little sac she had ever seen... must be like 3 weeks... mind you in my mind I am thinking I should be at about 5 weeks.... The she went on a rant about how those tests make her cringe because people take them before they should have a period and at that point you might have a fertilized egg... but things can happen. I was mortified when I got done. I did freak out for a little. My Dr. made me feel better with maybe I ovulated late and that there was a sac... it was probably just too early.

Fast forward to Saturday(yesterday). We had our pictures taken by a friend and AWESOME photographer! I was so excited we took regular pics but also some pics that we would use to announce the pregnancy to our family and then our friends. I can't wait to see them, these are also my 90 lbs weight loss pics.  Afterwards I met my parents, sister, and her fiance at our local baseball team's stadium for a special showing of Hocus Pocus on the jumbotron.  It was fun. My sister and I know pretty much every line of that movie from our childhood. :) But, while there I started spotting. Through out the night it progressively got worse. This morning a test confirmed I was no longer pregnant and was having a miscarriage.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have such a wonderful family and bunch of friends though. My work colleagues have taken over everything for my class. I don't have to worry with sub plans or what is going on with my kiddos because they are taking care of it all for me. They even offered to come do my laundry and grade my papers. My best friend has offered to take off work in the morning to go to the Dr. with me. My husband took care of me until he had to go to work but had my mom come over to stay with me while he was at work. She brought me Reese's peanut butter pumpkins, took me to Starbucks (I sat in the car), and watched NeNe's wedding marathon (train wreck... can't stop watching).  It is truly amazing how the symptoms have vanished so quickly... tatas normal, bloating going away, temp back down.... Pregnant one min, not the next. How quickly things can change.

I will be OK... I know I can now get pregnant... my hope is still in tack... I am just a little shaken. Little One, I am sad now, but know you are going to be watching down on us!

and so it goes... back to reality

I was so hopeful. I was do excited. I am so sad. All the feelings of my posts back when we were trying are ALL BACK! :( I guess I had removed myself from those thoughts and feelings after time blocked them out. But its like the Celine Dion Song, Its all coming back to me now. Our timing was perfect. I propped my hips for 1 hr instead of 30 mins... And then I got some weird fever and terrible headache... temps when sideways and way high and have been erratic at best since. I have had all the tell tale signs the monthly visitor is on her way.

No, I never ever thought I could fully forget the feelings of the cross of IF, but when you aren't actively trying its a little (I use this word loosely) less tough. But, then as stark white test zaps you back into the reality. then the ever foreboding temp drop...

I know we will be ok, but not without the tears, and invisible bruises from being knocked off my feet. I know and felt so many prayers over this past month. I thank you for that! Not everyone knows about this, so I know the prayers I felt were from you.

I have a very good friend at work, she is a bit of a none believer. It bothers me but, I know that God wants me to never let her go! She is an amazing friend. I love her like a sister. I pray for her daily. Anyway, she is a bit older than me, but single and has had some rough patches along her journey. When I first met her she was thinking of adopting since she was sure she would never remarry. Today, God put her right where I needed her. She brought me the most precious gift. I know that she wanted a baby probably just as badly as I do, at one point. Did I mention she is an art teacher? Well, she makes awesome art. Below is a picture of the precious gift she gave me today.  She said she wanted me to have it. She made it back when she was trying and hoped it helped with good baby vibes.

I bawled right there in front of everyone in the office when she gave it to me. 

So with this post I will start yet another cycle in the next day or so. 

Fall Break and other random thoughts

• I love fall break! Its a time to recharge my batteries and enjoy lunch with friends, sleep late, work on house projects... and get sick :(

• I never get a fever... well today it spiked to 100. 22. NEVER. HAPPENS. PERIOD.!!! I have a dr. appointment on Friday, but I have the WORST. HEADACHE. EVER!!! My body aches, I generally feel like a mack truck has hit me, and reversed back over me again. I went to target to get NyQuil only to realize... I don't have a cough, my head isn't stopped up, I am not sneezy. So I asked the pharmacist what I should take... She said Tylenol. I was like seriously???? Nothing else??? So I bought some zzzquil to at least help me sleep. I pray its a sinus infection and not the "F" word... I can't even type it cause I CANNOT have that!!! 

• I am going to lunch with my mom tomorrow and she wants to go shopping... shopping with her is an ALL DAY thing. Lord help me get better over night... PLEASE :)

• On another note the wedding was perfect. The reception was amazing. I am not sure though it I am cut out for all that running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 
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• They finally installed my shower door... YES!!! It only took this crappy company about 100 days to do renos that should have taken maybe 21 days. But I have my house back!!! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!!!

• Last but not least, GO CARDS!!!

New territory

Today I will enter a new territory with side jobs... Today I wear the hat of Wedding event planner/coordinator. Back when the movie The Wedding Planner came out I thought man I wish I could do that!!! Well my wish has come true! Lol

Back in college I nannied during the summer. Hard to believe that these two girls are old enough to be marring age(must make me old lol) but one of them will become a wife today. I'm so excited for them! Anyway, her mom contacted me a few months ago and asked if I could help set up a candy buffet at the reception. I said sure... As the time got closer she asked me to do more and more and I eventually got the title of her wedding day coordinator. I've been so chill about it... But now I have to admit I'm a little nervous. Only because this is the most important day of her life ya know! 

We had the rehearsal last night at the church. They are Catholic, so maybe you Chatholic buddies can confirm or deny wether the wedding nazi aka wedding coordinator at your Parrish was/is so mean and void of a sense of humor??? The church lady as we call her in public was completely not having the father of the bride walk down the aisle with a mock bride. See everyone knows its bad luck for the bride to walk down the aisle before the wedding... So a friend of the bride made this cute version of V on skip stick... That lady was not amused and said that no church would ever do that blah blah blah. I was like ok. Anyway the church is beautiful and I know it's going to be an amazing wedding. 

The reception will be also! It's at the county club where they are members and I used to take the girls to swim back in the day. I've got every little detail of the candy buffet nailed down. Here is a pic of the practice run in my kitchen lol.

I just hope that the night doesn't get away from me. I'm not a watch wearing person but I might need to wear one to ought hahah. 

Best wishes to the Bride and Groom! It's 7:10 am and I am off to get things finalized and ready to set up at 11:)

Deja, Deja, Deja, vu... but much more hopeful

So, this cycle we are going all in. All chips are in the middle of the table. I splurged and bought digital opks... those lines are always so hard to read anyway. Robbie asked me today did you get a smiley face? No pressure, lol. I started charting and temping again. I even bought tests in case the stars were aligned and it was finally our time. I think that the announcements lately have really got him wanting a baby. He gushes about having a girl and talks to Zeke about protecting her. It is so sweet... but makes me so nervous.  Of course we will have to make sure Zoe wouldn't eat her... she's a bit territorial. But, really... if you want one you end up with the other right? If one at all. So, I haven't put all the eggs in one basket yet. Shoot I just hope to put 1 egg in my basket. lol

I know my body is in such a better place than it ever was before when we were actively trying. I know that my cycles are more regular than ever. I also know that our timing wasn't too off last month. I wish I could go back to when we first got married before all this infertility stuff and just try to make a baby the fun old fashioned way.... or maybe even just do that to do it not to try to create a mini version of us.

Anyway, I am having a bit of deja vu. I am really hoping that history doesn't repeat itself. I am asking begging really if you read this, please pray for us, and that God has it in our plan to get pregnant sooner than later. I should ovulate end of the week/ weekend... I would appreciate it. I just feel like the more friends I have praying the easier it will be to get through this and hopefully have our prayers answered this time.

The completely selfish side of me, knows that it would make is so much more bearable to go through my sisters pregnancy if I too had the promise of a little miracle baby not long after her. But, I know that might not be God's plan. But, this cycle will end about the same time I have to go to the dr with her to find out what she is having.... I am in charge of the reveal.... Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I have already cried about twice. I have to suck it up and just do it. But I have already warned my parents I will probably not make it through it very well. Especially seeing that it will only be a couple of days after I know yes or no :(

Side bar... I might just have to hide her on facebook...I can't bear to read her pregnancy comments and then see my mom so excited and proclaiming that she is going to have a baby girl. My dad doesn't get it at all, he told me the other day I need to just be happy about it. Oh no he didn't! Some people will NEVER understand!!!

I will just keep remembering : Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1