Wounded

The past two weeks have been terribly stressful and tiring. I haven't been to work out and have been sick. Eating healthy has fallen by the way side. Last Sunday we missed church and my mom made the comment at family dinner that night, that it was because I need to make it to church. She is always on our case about something (just being a mom, not being mean or anything)... this week church was it. I hated that we missed, but it happens. I am sure that God isn't letting bad things happen because I miss...

But back to my topic, we went to church this morning, and it was just want I needed. (like always) The title of today's message was "Heal the Wounded" with scripture from Mark 1:29 - 45. This whole message series has been about the church body being the place to get Jesus, and share him with others. I absolutely love our pastor and could listen to him for hours. The heart of every messages that Jesus and God have for us is LOVE. Today, Steve spoke about how Grace is love lived out actively, specifically, intensely and delivered personally that heals the wounded. He also pointed out that we are all wounded in some way (which we all know... IF weighed heavy during this celebration). But that if we come to church, that church is the "medicine" that will heal us. We experience grace in many ways, but that Jesus is the focus with the church family during celebrations so, we can experience his grace every Sunday as a group. This time is the time we can all have Jesus heal our wounds and we can help each other in the healing process. Now I know we all know this, but I think our wounds sometimes make us doubt that healing. He did make the point that when we truly feel our wounds, is the time when we are truly ready to face them and start the healing process. We then were invited to be anointed with oil to commit to start healing our wounds.

I was over come with emotion. I know God was telling me it was time. No more ignoring my yearning for our baby. No more excuses on why I can't lose the weight. I am ready to face them head on and let Jesus and my church family help me heal these wounds!!! I have excuses to cover up the fears I have. I have let it all go, but then hidden behind other things/ reasons. I am done. FOR REAL!!! Unfortunately, my emotions were big enough I was semi sobbing, poor Robbie never knows what to do when that happens.

But, this has really got me thinking about what I plan on doing for Lent. In the past I have given up things, last year I didn't focus on myself, and beefed up my prayer. I prayed specifically for friends who were wanting to have babies and/or pregnant (my prayers were answered the people I prayed for daily have their babies to snuggle with this year). This year, I think I want to give up eating fast food. I have done this in the past and it is hard for me. McDonald's coke is an addiction I have, so giving this up would be a form of fasting. But, I also like to add something beneficial to my life, like the specific prayer last year. I think I want to write a letter to 40 different people to tell them what they mean to me. A friend did this in Dec. and I was the first person she wrote a letter to. It not only made my day, it really was heart felt, and I think sometimes in this busy world we forget to tell people how we really feel about them, and the difference they make in our lives.

This video was shown in clips today at church (started my crying in the beginning of the celebration... and once I start... There isn't really an end, hence the sobbing by the end) it really is a good video.

Love this song!!!

This was played on Parenthood Tuesday. I love it!

Confessions of an IF girl... Inspired by Making God Laugh

So, I haven't posted in a while, one because I have been so busy with this, that, and the other. But I have also had major writers block. I hardly ever have nothing to say... but lately, nothing. But today catching up with blogs I read something BRILLIANT! Polka Dot at Making God Laugh (she prayed for me during prayer buddies), wrote a post today that gave me inspiration.

So, here goes! As a person bearing the cross of infertility, I have some things that I don' t talk too much about for fear that those who don't understand infertility, might give me yet another label of "coo coo for cocoa puffs." Those who can make babies like factories sometimes say things that are not meant to hurt, but lets face it they do. So, one with IF starts being guarded with emotions, feelings, and even in some cases shopping. I have learned that sometimes its just easier to stay out of conversations because of the question that always comes up, "So how many children do you have?" So to talk about the things that I have bought, thought, discussed with my husband has not come up that much in convos. But after reading Polka Dot's post today, I want to talk about it, and at least have it written so one day in the far future I can come back to it.

There are a few things that I have kept to myself, my husband, and maybe a few close friends here or there.

First of all, my husband and I have the two names we want to name our precious miracles, when God blesses us with them. Now, I have had a lot of turmoil with this because, as people lap us on kids, our names have been used multiple times. But, I have finally gotten to a place where I am ok, Robbie has always said," Who cares, we don't hang out with them that much anyway." God truly blessed me with a fabulous husband who tries to cheer me up and help me through all of these emotions. That of course is not to say that he understands it all. lol We picked the names when we had just started trying and hadn't a clue that it wasn't as easy as everyone else made it look.

A few weeks after our wedding my grandmother passed away. I got some china that she had (tea party like) in hopes to incorporate it in my little girls room... This was 1 year before we ever started trying... So some of these things are pre IF and some are post IF.

We have had some times in the past 3 years that were really low... Almost hopeless at times. I think due to those times it was hard to be around happy pregnant women and families with their children. But, luckily God has carried us through all of those times (and there still are moments... but not as many). When I wasn't completely beside myself, a very fertile friend I met through this journey sent me a sweet gift that was cupcakes made out of baby wash clothes. She had the idea that I should not stay away from baby stuff, rather start buying for our future miracle. Now at first I had a little breakdown, because I felt like she felt sorry for me, but then went through the emotional gamut, like why would she think this was what she should send me.... Needless to say, she said she did this for herself. So, I thought what the heck. But didn't buy anything right away.

In the past year and 1/2 virtually everyone but my sister and me has been pregnant and had a bambino or two. So, I have been bombarded with babies and pregnancy. It got me thinking so, I started getting some things. Actually, I started buying furniture. I found a wooden baby bassinet and bought it to paint for our bedroom when we bring home our sweet bundle. It's in storage now... But, it will be perfect one day. I even thought about using it a baby showers until for presents.

Of course being the creative and crafty person that I am have already figure out how we would tell everyone that we are preggo, and even how I will tell Robbie. I found exactly what I need for it, and have gotten all the way to the check out, but not bought it yet. But, It will be THE BEST THING EVER!!! So, I might as well just push submit and hide it until I need it. Of course with an adoption it wont be quite the same, so we could use it to tell everyone else.

At Christmas, it was a little more emotional that I anticipated. Like I said it comes up at different times... but my mom completely surprised us both with money for our adoption fund, but also a boy and girl U of Memphis onsie. It threw us for a total loop, but was so sweet. I can now put that with other baby things I have saved away in the closet.

I have a pinterest board devoted to things I like for baby. Its called One day in the future... Hopeful sounding huh. Sometimes I have to look at it in order to remember to keep hope alive. Robbie is still so much more hopeful that me at times, but as crazy as it might sound wether or not I have IF I will continue to collect things for our baby(s) and one day hopefully sooner than later, I will be posting about using the the things I have talked about, names, clothes, furniture, etc.

So, my post isn't exactly the same as my inspiration but, it is my take on her post. :)