The one thing that I thought all this time I would be completely hysterical about, mad at the world, inconsolable... need I go on. My sister is pregnant.
Strangely enough, it was more the hubs that had a full out temper tantrum and went on and on and on about it. See I have been going to a Bible study all summer at my moms. We are doing a study of joy even in rain of our lives finding the joy that comes from GOD alone! I really think that it is the reason I am not beating my hands on the floor screaming why??? At our last meeting we were discussing finding joy even in our worst disappointments. Well I hadn't planned on totally unleashing all that is IF to this small group of women... but the moment presented itself and for once with people I don't know that well and have no idea if they have any idea about IF, and then of course my mom, ( whom I have never really been able to discuss this part of my life with because well,... she doesn't understand and just wanted to fix what couldn't be fixed) I let it all out. I was calm and collected then I burst into tears.. Explaining that I am so thankful for my husband and relationship with God, because without both, who knows where I would be at this point. How really it was hard for me in the first few years. I smiled through the pain and then unleashed the wrath of an infertile woman on my husband and God. Then something changed and I realized that with God it was going to be possible but that it wasn't the right time. But needless to say, I got it all off my chest. It was much easier than I had thought it would be. But the message has really helped me. Along with other things that have happened over the past year. I am blessed with so much Joy I can't let the unjoyous ( if that is a word) over shadow.
But, that has got to be the reason this is not hurting me more. I think I am more worried for this child than I am about her being pregnant. She is not married as of now, and her boyfriend doesn't have a job right now. I mean PERFECT freaking timing right??? I think I also had some notice... she blurted out over here one night that they were trying. She actually said to me..."Morgan, I am not getting any younger!!!" I almost punched her in the face. But, she has always done things her own way and not listened to ANYONE. So, how would this be any different?
So, my problem comes in that now my husband who was pushing for us to start trying again said last night... I don't even want to try anymore. I don't want to get pregnant and be pregnant at the same time. Which I can completely understand and kind of agree... I don't want to share the lime light that we have tried so hard for, for so very long with "Miss. we really weren't trying" ( ok I know that was totally catty.. sorry)
So, I am going to be an aunt in late February. If you know me in real life this is not public knowledge yet so please don't say anything. This was a quick post I apologize for typos or if there are parts that don't make sense..
A Big First Day
1 week ago