I guess my whole outlook on life in general has been evolving over the past year. I know that our journey has helped and hindered the growth at different points. I fought so hard to give up the battle and in the end, I have realized that it is SO MUCH easier now that I have.
A sweet friend at work this week, stopped and told me how pretty I have looked since school started, that she thought maybe I had lost weight. Of course then she was like not that you haven't looked pretty in the past lol. But it got me to thinking, you know last school year my mind was in such a fog with the failed attempts with fertility drugs, which in turn sent me into a nose dive. I gained weight, was probably depressed, wasn't too happy really. I was just trying to keep my head above water.
I think my positive changes started around Lent. Now, not being Catholic, I didn't have to give anything up, but I always try to see if I can do it. I mean after all, Jesus gave his life for me, can't I give him 40 days of something? I always struggle with what to give up, so this year I chose to give back in a sense and give up for myself. I decided I would focus my prayer on all those trying to have a baby or who were pregnant to have good pregnancy and healthy babies in the end. Apparently, I should have included myself in this prayer. Before Lent was over everyone I knew was pregnant. Now I know it wasn't just from my prayer, but I know it helped. In fact it totally helped me give up the obsessive thoughts and such about being pregnant and/or having a baby. Yes the desire was still there, but it didn't consume my life.
I think I started being happier. I didn't have pregnancy envy to bad to start with, but I definitely didn't have it anymore. I started feeling truly alright with the fact that we weren't the next to announce we were pregnant.
I want to point out the major factor here is that prayer helped me to be a happier person, as well as give me the strength to move on ( I guess that is the word for it). I stared focusing on prayer even more when Patiently Waiting Kinda posted about a Novena. Now being Methodist, I didn't know much about it, but when I read her post on it, something said hey google this and see if it something you can do with her. So, I did. I have been doing my own kind of Novena. It really has helped me focus my mind on prayer for needs and prayers of thanksgiving. I think sometimes as a human we forget to thank him for all the things he has given us. It also made me set aside a time to pray. In the past it was so sporadic and really just like in the car driving or when things came to mind.
During this time of praying for needs I prayed for my sweet friend and realtor, who was diagnosed with uterine cancer a few weeks after we listed our house. She has just gone back to work, had surgery and they got it all and she didn't even have to have chemo or radiation. I prayed for our friends with a baby in the way and an adoptive baby on the way. Their sweet MJ was born at 32 weeks this past weekend. She is absolutely precious and seems to be holding her own. Of course I prayed for our journey down the road to adoption, and selling our house and finding a new one. I could go on and on and on, but the point is that through my focused prayer I have seen prayers be answered. And even if they aren't for me, it is reassuring.
Now back to school, I have the sweetest little friends in my class this year. One in particular has suffered a traumatic brain injury this past spring (noncancerous brain tumor). He is a little fire cracker! I know that God hand picked him for my class. He never ceases to amaze me daily. He is so determined and doesn't give up. He wants his independence back and he just makes me smile everyday. He is so vivacious and caring. I just hope and pray that we will have a kiddo like him someday. But his journey humbles me. To go through what he has gone through at 9 years old is amazing. I have to say, if you ever need perspective, go into an elementary school classroom for a day. My kids really help me see, that there is so much more to life than the things we tend to worry about. So what if you don't have the best everything... it's not about the material things. Its about the difference you make in someone's day, week, life.
So when it is all said and done, prayer has gotten me through my life thus far, but when I needed Him most/ recently, He has transformed my life and now I am free. I don't want to go back to the life I had before! Every day I try to be more and more like Him.