Sunday, July 31, 2011

He loves us...

Man I love this song! Totally moved me today in church.

How thankful I am for my church, Heartsong !!! It has made such a difference in my life over the last 8 years! We might not be the "traditional" church setting, but we are the most accepting bunch of Jesus Followers there are! If you can't make it to church next Sunday, check out the site at 9 or 11 and you can stream it live.

On a bittersweet note, its back to work tomorrow... WHERE DID THE SUMMER GO??????????????

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A positive to make up for my negative post yesterday...

On a positive note (last post, I was pretty negative nelly), our sweet friends had their precious baby girl this morning around 6:30. I probably sound like a total contradiction when I type what I am about to type, but here goes anyway...

That baby took all the negative feelings away. I know it is so ridiculous that I can be so upset about random people I don't even know at all being pregnant, but friends who are pregnant fly me over the moon(maybe that is just God's way of keeping me sane who knows). But I am! So I got a little sweet thing fix this afternoon. She is so perfect that you know, only God himself could have made her. She makes the sweetest little noises when she sleeps. I was so excited we got to the hospital during a lull and there was no one there and we both got to hold her as long as we wanted. I took pictures like she was my own. Holding her was such a treat. She was so warm (hot actually they are like little heaters lol) and light as a feather ( 6lbs. 13 oz.).

For about 2 hours today I didn't covet what anyone else had, I was purely happy for their sweet family and the opportunity to love on that sweet little human being. We got to watch the video of her being born (truly the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed in all of my life, is the birth of a sweet little gift from God) she only pushed like 4 times, hear the story from beginning to end of the contractions, epidural, etc., and dote on her. It was fabulous. Not one time during this 2 hour period did I even think about wishing it was us, or our baby, etc. Thank You God, for that! Maybe that is just what I needed to see and be a part of. Maybe the fact that most of my friends are pregnant is truly a gift from God to me (to them too of course lol).

Still, when we went to dinner afterwards, I didn't even think about oh man I wish that was us. To me, I think this is a testament of how God hears our prayers and answers them. Not 24 hours after my cry out to him about helping me through this, he brought this sweet little gift into the world and said here you go. I am here with you. I continue to do miraculous things in your life and the lives of others.

Man I am in awe of you God! Congrats to our sweet friends who are starting a new chapter in their lives together as a Family of three (six if you count their dogs) :)

PS: Doesn't that sweet hubby of mine look like he is going to be a natural one day? :)

Monday, July 25, 2011

T is for Tough Day(s)

Ok, I know that I need to be over this, but I truly make big strides and then something happens and I feel like I am ten steps behind.... two days in a row I have felt this way.

Sunday at church, I actually must have booked it because I turned around to say something to Robbie and he wasn't there, in fact it was about 3 minutes before he caught up with me. We walked in and about 4 women happen to turn sideways as we were walking in and were so pregnant I thought I might end up delivering a few on my way into the celebration. I felt my face get hot, and was fighting back the urge to tear up. I mean we have been watching church at home the past couple of weeks because it never fails there are one or more announcements at church on any given Sunday. So of course I am like where were you, when he finally caught up. I needed him with me to help off set the totally breaking of my heart that it seems so easy for partners at my church. Of course, one thought was maybe this is God's way of saying hey Morgan SHOW UP! and maybe this could be you. GAH!!! Why does this have to be my life? I so try to see this as a gift God has given me but man sometimes I just feel like I am being punished for something I have not idea about.

Fast forward a day, and Rob O comes home from work, and heads across the street to the neighbors house. He is an older single man, with a daughter in college. She is getting married. Well, it turns out she is getting married in August, they just started talking about this in June. Well my first instinct was wow she must be knocked up. TERRIBLE isn't it. But none the less, my thoughts. Well, Robbie comes home to say guess what he just told me... I am like what ( about to be totally blind sided) Um, he said he didn't know how to tell us, but she is pregnant... oh and get this she is having TWINS. All I could say was good for him as I washed the same spot on the cabinet for about ten minutes. Then he goes on to say, I invited him to go to dinner with us. Seriously. I mean what the heck. He comes over to ride with us and says, "So, did Robbie tell you the good news?" With every bit of my being I forced out, Congrats. He told me she has a lot on her with her being such a small girl... I wanted to throw my drink at him. He knows what we have been going through and he says that to me?!?!?! At this point in the night I am thinking, I guess Robbie and I should have gotten pregnant before we got married. Maybe we would have a sweet little child out of wed lock. ***I know these thoughts are totally inappropriate, but why does this have to happen to me, and anyone else dealing with this little gift for that matter????

Hey God,
I am in desperate need of your help. Please help me to see that your will is being done, that your awesome plan for us is unfolding, and in your time we will become privy to your masterful plan for the Robbins. I need you more than I can imagine. I am crying out for your strength to carry me through these trying times. I know you are with me, just need a little help here!
Thank you,

Monday, July 18, 2011

If I didn't answer the call before....

So, adoption has been the word of the month around the Robbins' House. And a sweet friend (who answered the call to adopt only to find out, she would be having a sweet little miracle of her own too) text me on Sat. morning and told me to go read a blog post about adoption and the questions and answers couples feeling the call to adopt. I can't even begin to thank her for this!

So, yeah it took me 1 1/2 days to get around to it, but I am so glad that I did. Another adoptive mother/ blogger, Grace In My Heart wrote probably the BEST/ MOST HELPFUL post I have ever read. She included her story and questions she and her husband had initially with both her 1st adoption and her 2nd, as well as asked her readers to post the questions and answer them on their own blog so we could read them. I literally bawled through her whole post with links to different points in her adoption timeline. Not a cry that is sad or upset, one that was uncontrollable, (much like when I hear a church song that moves me to tears). I then went on to read the comments and other's posts. If I ever wondered what it was like for God to talk to me specifically outside of each message at church, this was it.

I know that without a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has planned for The Robbins! I know that it may sound "hokie" but, I truly believe that when we aren't hearing what God is saying or we aren't sure if he is trying to tell us something, he finds multiple ways to reach you. I feel this was God with a big sign reading "To Morgan From Your Father :)"! I have prayed for Him to show me how to embark on this new journey and help me understand how we will be able to do this. And this blog post was my answer.

Today during our church Celebration, we sang, You Never Let Go, (which is one that moves me to tears every time) and man those lyrics fit perfectly, totally reassuring me that he hasn't let go, even through this storm that is called infertility. He is showing us his plans and going to hold on to us no matter what happens. Its always easier to test the water knowing you have a life jacket on... He is our life jacket!

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Dime a Dozen or so it seems

Just when I though there couldn't be anymore announcements because pretty much everyone I know is pregnant, there's a baby boom! Looks like Spring 2012 is going to be a repeat of Fall 2011. So here's to the dear, few of us who are still trying... :)

I think I know why it is such a surprise to me... Because I CANNOT even imagine or wrap my head around getting pregnant. So, I tend to forget that not everyone has the same issue as me lol.

No, really, I am excited for everyone making announcements. That must be the best feeling ever. Have you ever noticed that on FB that the announcements come out of the woodwork? When there is one there are about 10.

In other news, I have been researching different adoption options, and well... there are a lot of things running through this mind of mine. Like until 4 am this morning. But, I have found 2 other agency that are church based, but seem to be cheaper than the first I found. One is actually affiliated with the United Methodist Church. This seems like a great place to start.

But, I am also looking into something a little less permanent until we get our house sold and settled... One of my best friend's husband is becoming a mentor with Youth Villages. So, I checked out their site, and this sounds like a good idea. I mean truly, I don't know that I could deal with the stress of trying to go through the adoption process and waiting will I am also waiting and stressed about selling/buying a new house. Not to mention, the natural stress of work since the nasty truth is that, we will be back in school in less than a month :( But being a mentor would allow me to have a child that I get to dote on and take to do fun things a few times a month, but not have the 24/7 responsibility during this stressful time. Once things get settled then we could put all efforts into the adoption process.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finally getting somewhere... sortof

Well I was just talking to a friend today about infertility, rude people, and the craziness and changes that have occurred in our lives as we get older. She of course has 3 beautiful kiddos and such, but she really has had the same thoughts, and feelings I infertile party of one, have had over the past 2 years.

Now, she is new friend in the past couple of years, we don't talk all the time, but I met her through tutoring her son. I knew her husband in college. I am not really even sure how we got to talking about all the stuff we talked about today, but I got there around 1 and didn't leave until 4. We have a good talk about normal stuff, friends, drama, summer, our house being on the market.
(Side Bar: She had her house on the market, found one she loved, it went into foreclosure, so they lost it, and had already sold all their furniture... talk about disappointment!!! But, she has just recently taken the money they were going to put down on the new house and redone the kitchen and bathrooms, painted and really completely changed their current house completely.)

She now has my DREAM KITCHEN!!!

But, of course the infertility thing came up, it always does with people I don't talk to on a daily basis. But, this time I had the whole adoption option to talk about too. She said that her sister had to get on birth control pills to get pregnant. I know that it regulates, but completely defeats the purpose of getting pregnant at the time. But her sister does have a child now, maybe that should be an option... all except I have enough trouble remembering to take thyroid and PCOS meds. So I told her, " ya know I am really kind of over the whole having a baby thing." To that she said DON'T GIVE UP!!! I am not giving up, I am just over it. But I told her that the adoption thing was an option in my head but Rob - O was acting kind of weird about it. She agreed she could understand his reservations. He will not go for the idea of any ethnicity other than our own. yada yada yada.

Well, tonight to my total surprise, He started talking about it. He said he wasn't opposed to it, but that part that really got him was... This made me tear up. He always saw all our friends coming to the hospital to visit us like we do all our friends. Its things like that totally grab my heart and stomp on it with this whole stupid infertility roller coaster. He said he never really thought about the fact that maybe God wants us to have a baby through adoption.

I know that I am trying to wrap my head around something that is IMPOSSIBLE to understand, but, this is me grasping at straws.... Maybe God does want us to have a baby that "needs" us, not just a baby we "need." Unfortunately, Robbie has stupid softball on Tuesdays which is when the adoption meetings are each month, so this month is out... next month will be the 2nd day of school... so, maybe September is the month for us to go to the meeting.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Independence Day

When I think of Independence Day, I hear Martina McBride singing in the background :) We celebrated on Saturday with close friend and my parents. My sis and bil were at his mom's house. We had Robbie's famous ribs, and everyone brought a side or appetizer. The men and a few ladies competed in a corn hole tournament and it was just a good time to catch up since most of hadn't seen each other in a little while.

So, I had a cake order this weekend, that I was going to make the last one for a while since it is so difficult to clean up quickly in case of showing the house (but my sister talked me into making another one next weekend). I was uploading the pics to my fan page (inspired temptations of fb) and realized that it was 1 year ago this weekend that I made my first "decorators cake." So I found the picture of that cake and was amazed at how far I have come in one year. I am finally getting to a point where I think my cakes are looking Snazzy! :) Here are the comparison pics

My first cake with smooth butter cream icing. You can see I didn't get enough icing off and it is dented and not so smooth. My fondant is very thick and pushed into the icing, due to the icing being so thick. Now, don't get me wrong it tasted AMAZING, but I needed some practice for sure. Practice, that is exactly what I got, many many cakes later....

This is my 4th of July cake this year for a customer. Fondant is much thinner, icing much smoother, just all around better looking! I really have come a long way. In fact, I made what I think might be one of my best cakes last weekend, I hope that the customer liked it as much as I did. It was for a wedding shower and I used royal icing and a stencil to make a damask print on the sides of the cake. Then, I took the plate she gave me to the cake store to get the center part made into an edible image. I then took it and rolled it on a piece of fondant to make the top decoration. So, since I am showing progress here is the pic: