Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 3

Well yesterday I went back to the dr to have more blood work. It appears that my levels were low on Friday when I went in for the confirmation appointment. So, the process had already started without knowing.... I did have an inkling of an idea when the test was faint and the ultrasounds "tiniest little sac" comment. Yesterday, my hcg had gone down from 49 to 4, so we are almost done. My dr said that my progesterone was low on friday and that to be safe next time as soon as I get a positive test to start the progesterone.

So I have the prescription already... See he gave me the prescription on Friday, but Kroger didn't call me to tell me they don't fill that in their pharmacy so when I went to pick it up it was already after hours for the pharmacy that does and guess what??? All of the pharmacies that do fill that are closed on the weekends. :(

I am doing better than I thought. I still can't say it without bursting into tears. I am not sure I will ever be able to. The bleeding has almost stopped. Thank God! I think that is what makes it worse... seeing my pregnancy flush down the toilet (sorry so blunt... but that is literally what I have done for the past 2 1/2 days).

Today is a bittersweet day in our family. Aside from dealing with this loss, I was supposed to go with my sister at 2 to find out what she is having. Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. Now, I am not going, I am practicing my put on a happy face for when she tells me what she is having.

Why oh why does this have to happen? What a horrible experience. I know that this happened because something was not right... but why let it happen at all if its not going to be right? I know its nothing we did, I know its better this way, but that does not change the hurt and pain! I know I am not alone in this thought process or experience. I hate that any one of us ever has to go through this. I guess as my dad has always told me, "it builds character." But even he said, I have my fill of character and this just sucks! The only thing I can do is cry out to Jesus! I have not been able to get that song out of my head since Saturday night.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We need them and feel them.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The post I have never wanted to read or write myself...

God works in miraculous ways. The morning after my last post I woke up to a little temp jump so I said , what the heck! and took a test, I mean I had one a few. I mean I expected it was negative and I would start sometime that day anyway. But to my wondering eyes a very faint positive was right there on the test. I was sure it was just a fluke. All day I was waiting to start. But realized, I too could have a BFP on my hands. I took another test that night and bam much darker very obvious positive. The next morning I used the last First Response I had left... TWO PINK LINES!!! I was in complete SHOCK!

Almost 4 1/2 years of trying with no positive ever, I was beside myself. I was conflicted because I had written the post on Wednesday and do I tell my blogger buddies... But due to the fact that I know too many who have had complications, I decided to keep mums the word. I told my hubs by having him open the book "Dude, You're Going to Be a Dad!" He was much like me cautiously optimistic... shoot he was over the moon. He was on the phone with his best friend for so long he burned our dinner. :)

I bought more test but spaced them out until my dr. appointment on Friday. I got positives each time even on the digitals. Man the rush of emotions of getting the word pregnant on those tests. I had instant forgetfulness, and horribly sore tatas. I had wavering nausea and was exhausted. So, I didn't worry at that point other than the fact that the positive tests weren't getting as dark as the control lines.

I got to my dr. appointment on Friday and was a little worried when the test at the office was pretty faint. But my dr. reassured me that their tests were less sensitive than the ones you buy at the store. Then I had an ultrasound with the most insensitive tech ever!!! She started by saying she was so behind... Then she went on to say that it was the tiniest little sac she had ever seen... must be like 3 weeks... mind you in my mind I am thinking I should be at about 5 weeks.... The she went on a rant about how those tests make her cringe because people take them before they should have a period and at that point you might have a fertilized egg... but things can happen. I was mortified when I got done. I did freak out for a little. My Dr. made me feel better with maybe I ovulated late and that there was a sac... it was probably just too early.

Fast forward to Saturday(yesterday). We had our pictures taken by a friend and AWESOME photographer! I was so excited we took regular pics but also some pics that we would use to announce the pregnancy to our family and then our friends. I can't wait to see them, these are also my 90 lbs weight loss pics.  Afterwards I met my parents, sister, and her fiance at our local baseball team's stadium for a special showing of Hocus Pocus on the jumbotron.  It was fun. My sister and I know pretty much every line of that movie from our childhood. :) But, while there I started spotting. Through out the night it progressively got worse. This morning a test confirmed I was no longer pregnant and was having a miscarriage.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have such a wonderful family and bunch of friends though. My work colleagues have taken over everything for my class. I don't have to worry with sub plans or what is going on with my kiddos because they are taking care of it all for me. They even offered to come do my laundry and grade my papers. My best friend has offered to take off work in the morning to go to the Dr. with me. My husband took care of me until he had to go to work but had my mom come over to stay with me while he was at work. She brought me Reese's peanut butter pumpkins, took me to Starbucks (I sat in the car), and watched NeNe's wedding marathon (train wreck... can't stop watching).  It is truly amazing how the symptoms have vanished so quickly... tatas normal, bloating going away, temp back down.... Pregnant one min, not the next. How quickly things can change.

I will be OK... I know I can now get pregnant... my hope is still in tack... I am just a little shaken. Little One, I am sad now, but know you are going to be watching down on us!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

and so it goes... back to reality

I was so hopeful. I was do excited. I am so sad. All the feelings of my posts back when we were trying are ALL BACK! :( I guess I had removed myself from those thoughts and feelings after time blocked them out. But its like the Celine Dion Song, Its all coming back to me now. Our timing was perfect. I propped my hips for 1 hr instead of 30 mins... And then I got some weird fever and terrible headache... temps when sideways and way high and have been erratic at best since. I have had all the tell tale signs the monthly visitor is on her way.

No, I never ever thought I could fully forget the feelings of the cross of IF, but when you aren't actively trying its a little (I use this word loosely) less tough. But, then as stark white test zaps you back into the reality. then the ever foreboding temp drop...

I know we will be ok, but not without the tears, and invisible bruises from being knocked off my feet. I know and felt so many prayers over this past month. I thank you for that! Not everyone knows about this, so I know the prayers I felt were from you.

I have a very good friend at work, she is a bit of a none believer. It bothers me but, I know that God wants me to never let her go! She is an amazing friend. I love her like a sister. I pray for her daily. Anyway, she is a bit older than me, but single and has had some rough patches along her journey. When I first met her she was thinking of adopting since she was sure she would never remarry. Today, God put her right where I needed her. She brought me the most precious gift. I know that she wanted a baby probably just as badly as I do, at one point. Did I mention she is an art teacher? Well, she makes awesome art. Below is a picture of the precious gift she gave me today.  She said she wanted me to have it. She made it back when she was trying and hoped it helped with good baby vibes.

I bawled right there in front of everyone in the office when she gave it to me. 
So with this post I will start yet another cycle in the next day or so. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Fall Break and other random thoughts

  • I love fall break! Its a time to recharge my batteries and enjoy lunch with friends, sleep late, work on house projects... and get sick :(
  • I never get a fever... well today it spiked to 100. 22. NEVER. HAPPENS. PERIOD.!!! I have a dr. appointment on Friday, but I have the WORST. HEADACHE. EVER!!! My body aches, I generally feel like a mack truck has hit me, and reversed back over me again. I went to target to get NyQuil only to realize... I don't have a cough, my head isn't stopped up, I am not sneezy. So I asked the pharmacist what I should take... She said Tylenol. I was like seriously???? Nothing else??? So I bought some zzzquil to at least help me sleep. I pray its a sinus infection and not the "F" word... I can't even type it cause I CANNOT have that!!! 
  • I am going to lunch with my mom tomorrow and she wants to go shopping... shopping with her is an ALL DAY thing. Lord help me get better over night... PLEASE :)
  • On another note the wedding was perfect. The reception was amazing. I am not sure though it I am cut out for all that running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 

  • They finally installed my shower door... YES!!! It only took this crappy company about 100 days to do renos that should have taken maybe 21 days. But I have my house back!!! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!!!
  • Last but not least, GO CARDS!!!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

New territory

Today I will enter a new territory with side jobs... Today I wear the hat of Wedding event planner/coordinator. Back when the movie The Wedding Planner came out I thought man I wish I could do that!!! Well my wish has come true! Lol

Back in college I nannied during the summer. Hard to believe that these two girls are old enough to be marring age(must make me old lol) but one of them will become a wife today. I'm so excited for them! Anyway, her mom contacted me a few months ago and asked if I could help set up a candy buffet at the reception. I said sure... As the time got closer she asked me to do more and more and I eventually got the title of her wedding day coordinator. I've been so chill about it... But now I have to admit I'm a little nervous. Only because this is the most important day of her life ya know! 

We had the rehearsal last night at the church. They are Catholic, so maybe you Chatholic buddies can confirm or deny wether the wedding nazi aka wedding coordinator at your Parrish was/is so mean and void of a sense of humor??? The church lady as we call her in public was completely not having the father of the bride walk down the aisle with a mock bride. See everyone knows its bad luck for the bride to walk down the aisle before the wedding... So a friend of the bride made this cute version of V on skip stick... That lady was not amused and said that no church would ever do that blah blah blah. I was like ok. Anyway the church is beautiful and I know it's going to be an amazing wedding. 

The reception will be also! It's at the county club where they are members and I used to take the girls to swim back in the day. I've got every little detail of the candy buffet nailed down. Here is a pic of the practice run in my kitchen lol.

I just hope that the night doesn't get away from me. I'm not a watch wearing person but I might need to wear one to ought hahah. 

Best wishes to the Bride and Groom! It's 7:10 am and I am off to get things finalized and ready to set up at 11:)

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Deja, Deja, Deja, vu... but much more hopeful

So, this cycle we are going all in. All chips are in the middle of the table. I splurged and bought digital opks... those lines are always so hard to read anyway. Robbie asked me today did you get a smiley face? No pressure, lol. I started charting and temping again. I even bought tests in case the stars were aligned and it was finally our time. I think that the announcements lately have really got him wanting a baby. He gushes about having a girl and talks to Zeke about protecting her. It is so sweet... but makes me so nervous.  Of course we will have to make sure Zoe wouldn't eat her... she's a bit territorial. But, really... if you want one you end up with the other right? If one at all. So, I haven't put all the eggs in one basket yet. Shoot I just hope to put 1 egg in my basket. lol

I know my body is in such a better place than it ever was before when we were actively trying. I know that my cycles are more regular than ever. I also know that our timing wasn't too off last month. I wish I could go back to when we first got married before all this infertility stuff and just try to make a baby the fun old fashioned way.... or maybe even just do that to do it not to try to create a mini version of us.

Anyway, I am having a bit of deja vu. I am really hoping that history doesn't repeat itself. I am asking begging really if you read this, please pray for us, and that God has it in our plan to get pregnant sooner than later. I should ovulate end of the week/ weekend... I would appreciate it. I just feel like the more friends I have praying the easier it will be to get through this and hopefully have our prayers answered this time.

The completely selfish side of me, knows that it would make is so much more bearable to go through my sisters pregnancy if I too had the promise of a little miracle baby not long after her. But, I know that might not be God's plan. But, this cycle will end about the same time I have to go to the dr with her to find out what she is having.... I am in charge of the reveal.... Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I have already cried about twice. I have to suck it up and just do it. But I have already warned my parents I will probably not make it through it very well. Especially seeing that it will only be a couple of days after I know yes or no :(

Side bar... I might just have to hide her on facebook...I can't bear to read her pregnancy comments and then see my mom so excited and proclaiming that she is going to have a baby girl. My dad doesn't get it at all, he told me the other day I need to just be happy about it. Oh no he didn't! Some people will NEVER understand!!!

I will just keep remembering : Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1