Sunday, June 3, 2012

Livin' the Dream

That is the one phrase I can't wait to say... Unfortunately at this point in our lives we aren't. Now I don't mean to be a Debbie downer in this post, but I am going to be real with my emotions and need to get this out so that in the future when we are livin' the dream ( God willing) I can remember my feelings. I don' t think it is ever possible to forget all the ball of emotions we go through at IFers but just in case... I am getting this down on record... This blog will be/is one of my most prized possessions and as I am typing... I think there is probably a post about this very thing each year if you go back... I don't want to be a broken record, but I think as we grow older maybe we have a different take on thing... maybe...Anyway...

Robbie and I have always made no bones about the fact that we wanted to have kids, be parents, live the dream. Until 3 years ago, we never even thought that we might have that opportunity. I mean I guess we were "those people" picking out names of kids before we really even had been trying a month, talking about how life will be with a family.

Now, we both were close to the last of our friends to get married. Which of course means we were older when we started trying, etc. We were able to see all of our friends have their first baby, in so cases with our fertile myrtle friends, their second babies. This is where life got harder and harder for me, ( I am pretty sure it was for Robbie too, but he had to be the rock for me at this point) We were trying and nothing was working, I was becoming that crazy woman who was demanding baby making on command because it was the ONLY time we could conceive. Man, thinking back to those days, I kind of wish we hadn't known all this stuff. But, the fun was gone and it was just another thing we had to schedule into our daily lives. While all of our friends ( it seemed, but not everyone of them) could still have that fun married people life whether they wanted to make a baby or not.

Fast forward a year or two, and my ideas on baby making had changed. We had spent thousands on treatments, procedures, shots, and pills. Which all amounted to less money in our account and my crazy sporadic mood swings. Poor Robbie, he deserves a congressional medal of honor!!! I embraced friends babies as that best thing for me to do, get my baby fix with other's babies.

Here we are at year 3... nothing but extra lbs from emotional eating and trying to dull the pain of everyone else moving on with my dreams and we are still yearning for our little baby gift from God. Now I look at my friends, and I know that no one, no matter how perfect they make it look, has a perfect life. But d@*n, some people are so good at making it look PERFECT. It honestly is hard for me not to go to that place of envy or questioning "what I did earlier in my life to cause us so much strife later in life." I know that God is not punishing us, but when I look at some of my friends, they are much younger and are good at making babies, have debt free lives, live where they want to live, I mean its like they can live life footloose and fancy free.  Then I look at our lives and we can't sell our house, can't make a baby, can't lose weight, its like we can't catch a break.  I feel like Winnie the Pooh... I have a little black rain cloud following me lol. I know everything happens for a reason, but could we get some little reprieve to help us keep trucking?

Don't get me wrong, I am so totally blessed for what we do have, but I woke up at 2:34 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep til after 4:30. For some stupid reason, this was all I could think about. I know God has a plan for each and everyone of us... I just wish I had some idea where or when we get to live the dream.


  1. I don't think you're being a Debbie Downer at all. This is reality, and the reality is that IF and waiting for what "everyone" else is hard. But the fact that you write it as a way to remember the hard parts that are making you who you are and who you will be as parents, it is hope for the future as much as it is the reality of now.

  2. You're not the only one who only "participates" at certain times of the month in TTC. SO. NOT. ALONE! Its just so stressful and I think that makes it harder to enjoy it. The men (of course) have no problems, but I know I over-think things, which doesn't help. Plus, I know meds have something to do with things.
    I so wish I could speed up your becoming a mom! I'm glad you're writing things down so your baby will know just how much they were wanted, even before you knew of their existence. I just wish I could kick IF's butt for you. :-( And I wish life were more fair.