That's how I feel. I am going to preface this whole post now with... This is a going to be one of those dark posts... one that raw emotion is shown... one that is not meant to offend or be insensitive... BUT, it might. This is EXACTLY how I feel right now... Read at you own risk.
Hope has left me hopeless. I am emotionally raw one minute and numb the next.
I must first say that I know in my intelligent mind that what I am about write will be completely irrational to some, offensive to some, and hitting the nail on the head for others. I can only hope that I don't stay feeling this way long. I would never have thought I would feel so cheated in my all of my years of infertility. Who knew it could get any worse... I never had a clue how one horrible event in my life could cause so much continued pain. I honestly laid in bed this morning sobbing and came to the realization that I wish I had never gotten pregnant. NOT SOMETHING I WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD SAY!!!! Today my most beautifully charted cycle ended. I can remember all those cd1s that were unbearable before I was able to get pregnant. They were excruciating. They really were hard, a good cry in the shower, a pig out, or a little retail therapy and I was back to lets go on to the next cycle. Sometimes it took a little longer. I knew it was a long shot and probably wouldn't happen and that was ok. I was going to give it the old college try and hope for the best...
Then bam, I got pregnant. Now, it was after 4 1/2 years of trying and almost 100 lbs later. So, not like bam really more like holy s*$#! No way. I took like 10 tests in 10 days all positive. Was exhausted, hubby was helping around the house instantly... (really crazy part). We were having the miracle I always hoped we would. And then it was over faster than it took to become pregnant it seemed. I was broken. I was defeated. I was not a mom anymore. But worst of all, I got all the reassurance from anyone and everyone that, hey now you can get pregant. Now, I know that this was said with good intentions. But, it didn't make it any easier.
Fast forward a cycle. We sat out the next cycle, hoping that it would just hurry up. Well, it did and December was going to be the month. I was chosen as Blogger of the Month, I have prayers coming from all over and it was so amazing! I didn't have as hard of a time as I thought I might, but my ovulation kept stalling. This kindof made me wonder what the heck was up. I ended up ovulating around Christmas Day give or take a day. My temps were up, a clear dip then back up higher.... Then negative test... Then another... then another. I started coming to grips with the fact that even with all the prayers, even doing the St. Andrew Novena, even with great timing, and temps, especially with the hope of others reassurance, "I was pregnant the next cycle I could try, or my friend went through that and was pregnant lickity split"... I was not going to be a mom this time either. This CD1 is harder for me today than any back when I hadn't been pregnant. So, I tried the old comforts... I cried as I drove to the stores for retail therapy, I tried to eat a bunch, but duh I can't do that, I did cry in the shower. I even tried the new latte at Starbucks... (side bar I don't advise that one... too sweet) But, am not feeling renewed. I am not feeling more hopeful. I still feel angry, I still feel hopeless, I just feel like I am going to throw up and will probably take back most of the stuff I bought. I know I should pray, cry out to Jesus right now, He is probably the only one to give me peace... but really all I have right now is 1 question, Why can't we have a baby?
I know this seems completely ridiculous, and I know people will say you are just very hormonal, it will get better. But, honestly, I don't care what people think. Unless they are living my life or have been through this, they have no idea what I am feeling. (had this same talk with Hubby tonight... he doesn't see why I am so upset) I just wish I could go back to the hope that it would happen, not the hope that this is the one cause its already happened.
Now, if you have made it this far, please know that I realize there are so many out there that would die to be in my spot, or have situations going on in their lives that are so much worse or tragic. But, right now this is my tragedy and I tend to put my self last and everyone else first... I need to really express these feelings or it will only be worse in the next 38 days... since I averaging that long for cycles.
My head says suck it up butter cup... But my heart is broken.
I am so tired of seeing the life I wish I had, happening for everyone around me. But what makes it worse is that there is a current news story going on in my surrounding city, of a mom who left her sweet 7 week old baby at home supposedly alone (WHO DOES THAT???) when she went to take her older son to school. That sweet baby is reported missing. The mom is now in jail and the search was called off today. Apparently the mom knows that the baby is not ok and will not tell them where she is. I JUST CAN'T!!!! Why are there those of us who long for a baby, but people like this who are blessed with the little miracles???
I am sorry for my irrational tantrum... but I needed to get this out and pray that I will be able to move forward now, I do not like this person I have been today. I am angry! I am tired! and I am frustrated with my body not working properly!
A Not So Perfect Lent
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