Liebster Award

Thank you Stephanie at Blessed to Be for the nomination for the Liebster award. I love reading your blog! You are such an encourager and sweet spirited blogger! I am blessed to be your blogger buddy! :)

Now to answer your questions...

My 11 questions for you, dear award winners:

1.) Why do you blog? I started blogging because I needed an outlet for all of my roller coaster of emotions dealing with infertility. I also think it is great to document life experiences so that I have them when my memory might not be so great. :)

2.) What is your favorite smell? Right now my favorite smell is Pumpkin Pecan Waffles from Bath and Body Works. It is simply DEVINE!

3.) What would you have as your last meal? Include appetizer, main course, and dessert. hmmm. this is a hard one. Appetizer - some sort of chip and dip... I am a sucker for that especially at Mexican places. Main Course - probably a fillet and baked potato or maybe crab legs I love both of those. Dessert - some sort of brownie a la mode or something like that.

4.) If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?  I really have no idea about this one...

5.) Who's your favorite Disney character? Cinderella 

6.) What movie did you most recently watch? Cheesy Christmas movie on Hallmark Channel

7.) What song are you currently listening to on repeat? I can't seem to get that pit bull song out of my head since the AMAs the other night... Timber it muse be about a lumber jack or something lol

8.) Cupcake or slice of pie? cupcake hands down... my pumpkin spice with cream cheese icing beats pie any old day!

9.) If you could have any miniaturized animal as a pet, what would you pick? (e.g. My husband wants a mini-bear.) I have always wanted a pet pig. I guess it started with Charlotte's Web. 

10.) If you just found out company was coming over in a few hours, what dish would you whip up for them? meat loaf & hash brown casserole or tacos... we always have the ingredients for both 

11.) Summarize yourself in 4 words. GO!   smart, kind, leader, creative

Christmas Cards!!!

I am so super excited about our christmas cards this year. Of course I would have been more excited to use it as our reveal about being pregnant... But, I am trying to stay positive. I decided to go on and use the picture we planned on using with a christmas gift even thought its not our little miracle inside. :( It just turned out so freaking good I couldn't not use it. Anyway, I love our photographer!!! She is amazing and she didn't send me any of the pregnancy related photos since she knew our situation. I hate it though cause I bet they were so cute!
I love that Shutterfly gives so many discount codes around this time of year. I got our Christmas cards for less than $1.00 a piece!!! I can't wait to get them in and start addressing them!!! It just totally puts me in the Christmas spirit! But, without further ado...

Stationery Card

View the entire collection of cards.

1 year ago...

This was me. Tired, extremely over weight, sad, not so fun to be around. Trying to smile and look happy but really dying inside! This pic was actually in September, but I am 100% it was at my highest weight!
Who is that person?

Fast forward to the 4th of July this year...
Side by side of the 4th 2012 and 2013 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!

Here I am in early October this year... same yearly party as the first pic... 

BFF and I made sure to take another pic like last year. WOW! I actually bought the shirt I have on at Ann Taylor Loft that same day... right of the rack... size large... and on sale for $10.  It has been YEARS since I could even set foot in that store, let alone wear a large. 

And here are my Pictures from the Doctor... Oh how it makes me so sad to look at the old me.

 Thank God I made this change!

I have lost at total of 36 inches from chest, hips, and waist. 

I have lost a total of 90 lbs.

I have dropped 5 sizes about to move down again. :)

This next one is not the best pic of me now... but it definitely shows my progress! Can't wait to get our professional pics back... I actually bought my first pair of "skinny jeans" for our Christmas card pics.

I finally am ok with taking pictures again... I don't have to hide when there is a camera anymore!

What a difference a year can make!

1 week later

Well, a week ago today was the saddest, most disappointing day of our lives thus far. Even though we will never stop grieving this loss, we have moved to a place where functioning "normally" is coming back. I go back to work tomorrow... I am praying that no one asks me where I was all week, or if I am ok. I just want to be in my classroom with my kiddos.

I am only going to be there until lunch though... tomorrow is my 1 year post op appointment. I am very happy with my weight loss over the past year. I am at 90 lbs lost. But, I do wish I could have been at 100 or even 125 at this point. I know if I had worked at it a tad more I would have been there. I am making it my priority to get the next 30 to 35 off by February. I am going to hit the gym 5 days a week. There is not excuse. Not to mention we can't "try" for a whole cycle. So, I could get some weight off before we are able to start back. And the elliptical machine will totally shutter when I get on cause I have A LOT of built up anger after this loss. What better way to get it out... my new anger management :)

I know that the holidays are coming and that can be a set back. But I am going to make an example of how to eat healthy and still manage to enjoy the holidays! Its all about portion control.

And above all... this gives me something to focus on.

Day 3

Well yesterday I went back to the dr to have more blood work. It appears that my levels were low on Friday when I went in for the confirmation appointment. So, the process had already started without knowing.... I did have an inkling of an idea when the test was faint and the ultrasounds "tiniest little sac" comment. Yesterday, my hcg had gone down from 49 to 4, so we are almost done. My dr said that my progesterone was low on friday and that to be safe next time as soon as I get a positive test to start the progesterone.

So I have the prescription already... See he gave me the prescription on Friday, but Kroger didn't call me to tell me they don't fill that in their pharmacy so when I went to pick it up it was already after hours for the pharmacy that does and guess what??? All of the pharmacies that do fill that are closed on the weekends. :(

I am doing better than I thought. I still can't say it without bursting into tears. I am not sure I will ever be able to. The bleeding has almost stopped. Thank God! I think that is what makes it worse... seeing my pregnancy flush down the toilet (sorry so blunt... but that is literally what I have done for the past 2 1/2 days).

Today is a bittersweet day in our family. Aside from dealing with this loss, I was supposed to go with my sister at 2 to find out what she is having. Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. Now, I am not going, I am practicing my put on a happy face for when she tells me what she is having.

Why oh why does this have to happen? What a horrible experience. I know that this happened because something was not right... but why let it happen at all if its not going to be right? I know its nothing we did, I know its better this way, but that does not change the hurt and pain! I know I am not alone in this thought process or experience. I hate that any one of us ever has to go through this. I guess as my dad has always told me, "it builds character." But even he said, I have my fill of character and this just sucks! The only thing I can do is cry out to Jesus! I have not been able to get that song out of my head since Saturday night.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We need them and feel them.

The post I have never wanted to read or write myself...

God works in miraculous ways. The morning after my last post I woke up to a little temp jump so I said , what the heck! and took a test, I mean I had one a few. I mean I expected it was negative and I would start sometime that day anyway. But to my wondering eyes a very faint positive was right there on the test. I was sure it was just a fluke. All day I was waiting to start. But realized, I too could have a BFP on my hands. I took another test that night and bam much darker very obvious positive. The next morning I used the last First Response I had left... TWO PINK LINES!!! I was in complete SHOCK!

Almost 4 1/2 years of trying with no positive ever, I was beside myself. I was conflicted because I had written the post on Wednesday and do I tell my blogger buddies... But due to the fact that I know too many who have had complications, I decided to keep mums the word. I told my hubs by having him open the book "Dude, You're Going to Be a Dad!" He was much like me cautiously optimistic... shoot he was over the moon. He was on the phone with his best friend for so long he burned our dinner. :)

I bought more test but spaced them out until my dr. appointment on Friday. I got positives each time even on the digitals. Man the rush of emotions of getting the word pregnant on those tests. I had instant forgetfulness, and horribly sore tatas. I had wavering nausea and was exhausted. So, I didn't worry at that point other than the fact that the positive tests weren't getting as dark as the control lines.

I got to my dr. appointment on Friday and was a little worried when the test at the office was pretty faint. But my dr. reassured me that their tests were less sensitive than the ones you buy at the store. Then I had an ultrasound with the most insensitive tech ever!!! She started by saying she was so behind... Then she went on to say that it was the tiniest little sac she had ever seen... must be like 3 weeks... mind you in my mind I am thinking I should be at about 5 weeks.... The she went on a rant about how those tests make her cringe because people take them before they should have a period and at that point you might have a fertilized egg... but things can happen. I was mortified when I got done. I did freak out for a little. My Dr. made me feel better with maybe I ovulated late and that there was a sac... it was probably just too early.

Fast forward to Saturday(yesterday). We had our pictures taken by a friend and AWESOME photographer! I was so excited we took regular pics but also some pics that we would use to announce the pregnancy to our family and then our friends. I can't wait to see them, these are also my 90 lbs weight loss pics.  Afterwards I met my parents, sister, and her fiance at our local baseball team's stadium for a special showing of Hocus Pocus on the jumbotron.  It was fun. My sister and I know pretty much every line of that movie from our childhood. :) But, while there I started spotting. Through out the night it progressively got worse. This morning a test confirmed I was no longer pregnant and was having a miscarriage.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have such a wonderful family and bunch of friends though. My work colleagues have taken over everything for my class. I don't have to worry with sub plans or what is going on with my kiddos because they are taking care of it all for me. They even offered to come do my laundry and grade my papers. My best friend has offered to take off work in the morning to go to the Dr. with me. My husband took care of me until he had to go to work but had my mom come over to stay with me while he was at work. She brought me Reese's peanut butter pumpkins, took me to Starbucks (I sat in the car), and watched NeNe's wedding marathon (train wreck... can't stop watching).  It is truly amazing how the symptoms have vanished so quickly... tatas normal, bloating going away, temp back down.... Pregnant one min, not the next. How quickly things can change.

I will be OK... I know I can now get pregnant... my hope is still in tack... I am just a little shaken. Little One, I am sad now, but know you are going to be watching down on us!

and so it goes... back to reality

I was so hopeful. I was do excited. I am so sad. All the feelings of my posts back when we were trying are ALL BACK! :( I guess I had removed myself from those thoughts and feelings after time blocked them out. But its like the Celine Dion Song, Its all coming back to me now. Our timing was perfect. I propped my hips for 1 hr instead of 30 mins... And then I got some weird fever and terrible headache... temps when sideways and way high and have been erratic at best since. I have had all the tell tale signs the monthly visitor is on her way.

No, I never ever thought I could fully forget the feelings of the cross of IF, but when you aren't actively trying its a little (I use this word loosely) less tough. But, then as stark white test zaps you back into the reality. then the ever foreboding temp drop...

I know we will be ok, but not without the tears, and invisible bruises from being knocked off my feet. I know and felt so many prayers over this past month. I thank you for that! Not everyone knows about this, so I know the prayers I felt were from you.

I have a very good friend at work, she is a bit of a none believer. It bothers me but, I know that God wants me to never let her go! She is an amazing friend. I love her like a sister. I pray for her daily. Anyway, she is a bit older than me, but single and has had some rough patches along her journey. When I first met her she was thinking of adopting since she was sure she would never remarry. Today, God put her right where I needed her. She brought me the most precious gift. I know that she wanted a baby probably just as badly as I do, at one point. Did I mention she is an art teacher? Well, she makes awesome art. Below is a picture of the precious gift she gave me today.  She said she wanted me to have it. She made it back when she was trying and hoped it helped with good baby vibes.

I bawled right there in front of everyone in the office when she gave it to me. 

So with this post I will start yet another cycle in the next day or so.