I took the plunge!!!

Ok, so it has been 2 years, I know it technically hasn't been "that long" in the world of IF. But to me it is an eternity! So, adoption has been weighing on my heart lately. I mean I have always wanted to adopt, just thought that it would be after we had our own children. I mentioned my real estate agent(REA) is an adoptive parent, we have friends who are in the process of adopting, and we want a baby badly; so why not look into it.

So... I contacted an agency today for information. I am not sure what the hubs will say, he hasn't really had a yay or nay reaction to it, but I think having friends who are doing it makes it a little easier for him. Its just information, so that we can read through it, discuss it, and decide if we want to go to an information meeting.

I talked with Bettye(REA) about her adoption. She shared her story, and told me that the feeling of holding that baby was the most wonderful feeling of her entire life. We talked about the fact that later in her daughter's adult life she had to deal with the birthmother becoming part of her daughter's life. But, that in moments of sickness, or accidents, her daughter made it evident that she was her MOM even when her birth mother was present. I really think that is my biggest fear with the whole process, well that and thinking we would have a baby and the birth mom changing her mind.

On a different note, my obgyn completely shocked the heck out of me at my annual last week. She recommended me thinking about gastric bypass surgery. I think I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. She said that she had 2 patients that had the surgery and just delivered one baby and the other has one on the way. She said that losing 100lbs would be ideal, and that doing it on my own will take a while. So, this would help me do it faster. I was like PEOPLE DIE FROM THAT!!! 10 out of 1000 to be exact. I googled... I know I shouldn't have, but I did. So in my adoption/ gastric bypass googling I found that they don't recommend you getting pregnant for 1 year after having the surgery... um hello sounds to me that the wait time to lose the weight/ get preggo is about the same. So her idea on, I am not getting any younger doesn't really add up cause I would be about the same age by the time I lose it or get out of the clear from the surgery. Way the options... Ummmm, Death possibility 10 of 1000 or work my but off the old fashioned way... I believe the later of the two is my choice. I mean yeah the idea of not having to work so hard is enticing, but then the idea of death really isn't an option. I mean I truly believe that when it is your time it is your time, but I really would rather that not be the way it happens.

Anyway, back to the original reason for the post... Adoption could be our answer. We shall see... lots of maybes and what ifs in our future between the house, weight, and babies.

Wow!!!!

This past week has been a whirl wind adventure! Operation Sell This House, turned into a reality! First let me tell you, it is a little bitter sweet. This home has been mine since I went out into the brave new world of adulthood. I bought this little jem on my tiny first year's teaching salary. Then, when the hubs came along, he helped me turn it into the fabulous little house it is now. It is a perfect 1st time home buyer house. Its not too big not too small (well if you don't already have a gaggle of kiddos).

I bought it before it was even finished being built. My sweet family friend, helped me find this house and now she is helping me sell it. She has been in my life since I was born, her daughter (adopted... more on that later) took dance from my mother as a child. She helped my parents find the house they live in, that I grew up in, my grandparent's house in Lakeland and then sold it once they passed away. I mean she GOOD! Of course none of those were during a tanked market like we have today, but still we have already shown the house (today) and its only been on the market 2 days!

So, the week started with cleaning up from a shower we had for some sweet friends having a sweet baby girl, Garner. I just love that name! Then I had to tackle the one thing I have been putting off... painting trim... I HATE PAINTING TRIM!!! It takes twice as long to tape it off than it does to paint it and then you have to rip the tape off... so disappointing! So, Wednesday we met with her and filled out all of the paperwork, Robbie helped her measure the rooms, while I took pictures of my SPOTLESS house (that has to be in caps cause our house is never spotless). Thursday she listed it and Friday we got our first call about a showing... I was like wow!!!! The only negative to showings this weekend is that I have had 4 different cakes to make and that makes my kitchen look like Hurricane Katrina hit it. But, I have really worked on cleaning up as I go. Hard for the Master Procrastinator to do!

So with this whole 5 month ordeal (getting the house in order) we have looked at houses online, fallen in love with some, watched them sell, and looked for more. So while going over the paperwork, she asked which houses we would like to go see... Insert me acting like a kid in the candy store... So, she set up 4 appointments for us to go look today.

#1 The first one lets call, Objects appear bigger than they really are... It just went on the market, looked alright online. Was TINY in person, had laminate flooring throughout, the only thing it had going for it was the stainless side by side fridge that comes with.

#2 The Big Sister to our current house. I mean its the same color brick, open floor plan, the kitchen is set up exactly like ours, but the bedrooms.... were a bit small, but there were 4 of them. It is in a cove with an awkward lot It is on the outskirts of our budget, so Rob O said I don't think so. But in my mind, it is still on the list.

#3 The Fixer-Uper with a pool. This old house (literally) is perfect for us. It has room for improvements for sure, but nothing that we would have to do immediately, I mean if it is still on the market when we sell ours( so I guess what I am saying is wishful thinking).

#4 The Disturbingly dreadful house. First let me say that we knew it needed work, sold as is and the asking price is WAY below the surrounding houses. Well there is a list too long to name wrong with it, that's why! Walking up to the door the wood siding above the door is completely rotted out, once in the door smoke hits you like a ton of bricks, there are stains on the ceiling, cracks in walls upstairs, garage door is rotted at the bottom so small animals could get in and out... Robbie said that he felt dirty when we left after being in there. My thoughts are WHO IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD would think that this was acceptable to show. Oh wait I forgot the art work... Post- its. Yes I said post its, spelling out letters on one of the kids walls.

After this little outing, I can't believe that I was so worried about our house not being "ready." Closets were packed full of crap, cobwebs in corners of rooms, desks were covered in piles, carpets stained and dingy... etc. We have a storage unit for all that stuff an replaced some of our carpet. Surely someone will come along quickly and want to buy. I sure hope so.

But that raises the question, do I really want to leave this house that we have made awesome and have to do it all over again? I guess in the words of Bob Barker with my little twist, Welcome to " If, The Price is Right! We shall see.

I Believe...

I do believe that we will be parents one day. Our sweet cousins (Hub's 1st cousins to be exact) are currently due November 14th as a product of a long and winding, disappointing, road that included multiple iui cycles, too many BFNs, which all lead to IVF and this sweet little one. They know exactly what we are going through, know the feelings, the heartache, and also know the joy and hope of this pregnancy.

Today, let's call him Hawkeye (they live in Iowa and are die hard fans) messaged us on Facebook. It was the most touching message about how he had been thinking of us and their situation, and how he just wanted to reach out to us. He told us that he knows no words can really comfort or make things better, but that he realized that how much it helps to have someone/ couple to talk to that understands etc. He and his wife are so sweet, she has messaged with me back and forth often throughout the time since we both found out we were on the same road. Well she sent this video to me a while back and I meant to post it in a blog, but didn't get around to it. Well, he sent it in his message today. So, I didn't want to wait around again. **Warning** - If you don't cry watching this, I might want to check your pulse. But, it is so inspiring to me... So, here it is

Celebrations

So yesterday was our 3rd wedding anniversary. It was very eventful, new carpet, yard work( making 2 huge beds in the back yard), the best nap ever, and then dinner with my hubs at Bonefish Grill. It was a fabulous day. I was preoccupied which was good, this weekend I couldn't get the 2 year IF anniversary out of my mind.

I have to get this off my chest, I had to call the doctor today because I realized I was way past a normal cycle and apparently my rx was expired so in order to get this thing going again. Well, then I realized I am almost out of Metformin too. And, I really should have been out of both meds a couple months ago, but the whole taking it easy "not trying" thing kind of made me take a meds vacay. I really haven't been too strict on taking it. I had a friend at work who was trying to remind me to take it at lunch for a while. So, Nurse said I need to come in for blood work, and that she would get Dr. K to approve me for provera. I know all of this is BAD and only prolonging our positive outcome, but I really had too many other things going on. So, Its back to strict meds routine. I also, probably in revolt about my body, went past my annual obgyn appointment. So, while I was calling on Drs I made an appointment with a new doctor. Anyway now that, that is of my chest.

Today was special day for a friend of mine. She was finding out what she was having. So, I went in with her to find out and make a revealment cake. I heard about this from a girl I went to college with a couple of years ago, and had mine planned back when I thought having a baby was easy. So, I guess the next best thing is to be involved in a friends :) So, for about 7 hours today God, the Ultrasound tech, and I were the only ones who knew what she was having. It was fun. I made a cute cake and dyed the cake mixture the color of the babies gender. I put gum paste question marks on top and used pink and blue stripes and polka dots.

Who I am... and who I long to be

I guess this time of year will be difficult until God performs a miracle for us. I got a mani & pedi today with a girl who is unwed and has a 6 week old baby boy today. We talked about everything, she asked actually. She actually revealed to me that she really was worried about how to tell me, back when she found out. (A little background one of my best friends owns a salon, and a few of her employees are like family/ friends even though I don't see them that often.) She said all she could think was that she was young, unwed, and we were married and wanted a baby. She said that she truly feels like God wanted her to be a mother, because she was looking for a husband not a baby. But ended up with the baby instead of the husband. She almost made me cry when she said she prays for us every night. It was so touching, that a girl I just know from the salon thinks to pray for us everyday. She told me about her aunt and her 4 ivf successes that ended in miscarraige (apparently she is RICHY RICH if she did 4) then her 5th produced her baby boy, only to have twins naturally a year or so later. But, she said that is what really makes her believe in God's timing. It was obviously not his time the first 4 times. I have to cling to stories like this in order to not go completely batty. But, in looking for encouragement tonight, feeling a little sad, I ran across three women in the Bible's stories. Of course all three's stories are a testament to the miracles God performs in faithful people's lives.

But in reading these, I completely identify with Hannah. In her story you truly see the pain that infertility caused her. I feel that pain. I pray to God every moment of the day that he will make us parents. I sometimes get lost in the longing for a baby and lose sight of what all I do have. It is at times like those that I have to refocus my thoughts. I am truly blessed with so many blessing. Why can't I just be blessed with this one. I think along this rocky roller coaster I have longed for a baby more than my husband. Thank goodness I snapped out of that. But it is so easy to go to that dark place.

Elizabeth was another, older barren woman. Who later once she had given up on children was blessed with a very important son, John the Baptist. I know it makes reference that God only blessed Elizabeth and Zechariah with baby John when they basically had given up. I have so been there. But, the fact that it still hurts and is a constant on my mind makes me think, I truly haven't given up. I mean after all, I have to have hope that I will be a mother one day. I don't think I can let go to that hope.

The third is Sarah, wife of Abraham. Again we have the story of the woman who was married for many years and was eventually to "old" to have children. But God came to Abraham and said that he would have a son, and she laughed because she over heard him telling Abraham this. She was like SERIOUSLY? Now that I am too old... Really. I pray that I am meant to be like Sarah. But, at this point if I ever take a test and it is positive, this really would be my reaction. Its almost too good to be true, or at least that is how I feel right now.

Who am I of these women? Who do I long to be? I am a little of all of these women(minus being old, even though I aint' getting any younger)and long to be a mother, the part that all three of these women were able to be. So, for now I will continue to pray to God like Hannah and beg him to make me a mother to a son or daughter. I will try to give it up to him like Elizabeth, and will try to find humor like Sarah.