Friday, June 3, 2011

Who I am... and who I long to be

I guess this time of year will be difficult until God performs a miracle for us. I got a mani & pedi today with a girl who is unwed and has a 6 week old baby boy today. We talked about everything, she asked actually. She actually revealed to me that she really was worried about how to tell me, back when she found out. (A little background one of my best friends owns a salon, and a few of her employees are like family/ friends even though I don't see them that often.) She said all she could think was that she was young, unwed, and we were married and wanted a baby. She said that she truly feels like God wanted her to be a mother, because she was looking for a husband not a baby. But ended up with the baby instead of the husband. She almost made me cry when she said she prays for us every night. It was so touching, that a girl I just know from the salon thinks to pray for us everyday. She told me about her aunt and her 4 ivf successes that ended in miscarraige (apparently she is RICHY RICH if she did 4) then her 5th produced her baby boy, only to have twins naturally a year or so later. But, she said that is what really makes her believe in God's timing. It was obviously not his time the first 4 times. I have to cling to stories like this in order to not go completely batty. But, in looking for encouragement tonight, feeling a little sad, I ran across three women in the Bible's stories. Of course all three's stories are a testament to the miracles God performs in faithful people's lives.

But in reading these, I completely identify with Hannah. In her story you truly see the pain that infertility caused her. I feel that pain. I pray to God every moment of the day that he will make us parents. I sometimes get lost in the longing for a baby and lose sight of what all I do have. It is at times like those that I have to refocus my thoughts. I am truly blessed with so many blessing. Why can't I just be blessed with this one. I think along this rocky roller coaster I have longed for a baby more than my husband. Thank goodness I snapped out of that. But it is so easy to go to that dark place.

Elizabeth was another, older barren woman. Who later once she had given up on children was blessed with a very important son, John the Baptist. I know it makes reference that God only blessed Elizabeth and Zechariah with baby John when they basically had given up. I have so been there. But, the fact that it still hurts and is a constant on my mind makes me think, I truly haven't given up. I mean after all, I have to have hope that I will be a mother one day. I don't think I can let go to that hope.

The third is Sarah, wife of Abraham. Again we have the story of the woman who was married for many years and was eventually to "old" to have children. But God came to Abraham and said that he would have a son, and she laughed because she over heard him telling Abraham this. She was like SERIOUSLY? Now that I am too old... Really. I pray that I am meant to be like Sarah. But, at this point if I ever take a test and it is positive, this really would be my reaction. Its almost too good to be true, or at least that is how I feel right now.

Who am I of these women? Who do I long to be? I am a little of all of these women(minus being old, even though I aint' getting any younger)and long to be a mother, the part that all three of these women were able to be. So, for now I will continue to pray to God like Hannah and beg him to make me a mother to a son or daughter. I will try to give it up to him like Elizabeth, and will try to find humor like Sarah.


  1. Oh, Morgan! I could have written this post myself (and probably did, just not as eloquently) when I was going through the darkest of my infertility struggles. It pains me to think of the hurt that it all must be causing you. I think of you often and you are also in my prayers each night.

    I know that these are only words and that words won't physically help you while you're struggling but just know that there WILL be a time for you. Maybe not the time that you think, or even the way that you think, but God is never late. As a dear friend of mine often says, 'God is never late. He's rarely early, especially as early as we want Him to be or think He should be, but He is never, ever late'. So, we'll just keep praying and believing for your His time. :)

    If there's anything I can do for you or if there's ever a time you want to talk, don't hesitate. Hugs.

  2. Thanks Kelli! I know that its going to happen one way or another... just have to keep the faith! I really believe God was talking to me on Thursday night. :)

    I wish there was something you could do... other than just keep reminding me that it will happen. But since it's not really in our hands, just keep reminding me :)