and so it goes... back to reality

I was so hopeful. I was do excited. I am so sad. All the feelings of my posts back when we were trying are ALL BACK! :( I guess I had removed myself from those thoughts and feelings after time blocked them out. But its like the Celine Dion Song, Its all coming back to me now. Our timing was perfect. I propped my hips for 1 hr instead of 30 mins... And then I got some weird fever and terrible headache... temps when sideways and way high and have been erratic at best since. I have had all the tell tale signs the monthly visitor is on her way.

No, I never ever thought I could fully forget the feelings of the cross of IF, but when you aren't actively trying its a little (I use this word loosely) less tough. But, then as stark white test zaps you back into the reality. then the ever foreboding temp drop...

I know we will be ok, but not without the tears, and invisible bruises from being knocked off my feet. I know and felt so many prayers over this past month. I thank you for that! Not everyone knows about this, so I know the prayers I felt were from you.

I have a very good friend at work, she is a bit of a none believer. It bothers me but, I know that God wants me to never let her go! She is an amazing friend. I love her like a sister. I pray for her daily. Anyway, she is a bit older than me, but single and has had some rough patches along her journey. When I first met her she was thinking of adopting since she was sure she would never remarry. Today, God put her right where I needed her. She brought me the most precious gift. I know that she wanted a baby probably just as badly as I do, at one point. Did I mention she is an art teacher? Well, she makes awesome art. Below is a picture of the precious gift she gave me today.  She said she wanted me to have it. She made it back when she was trying and hoped it helped with good baby vibes.

I bawled right there in front of everyone in the office when she gave it to me. 

So with this post I will start yet another cycle in the next day or so. 

Fall Break and other random thoughts

• I love fall break! Its a time to recharge my batteries and enjoy lunch with friends, sleep late, work on house projects... and get sick :(

• I never get a fever... well today it spiked to 100. 22. NEVER. HAPPENS. PERIOD.!!! I have a dr. appointment on Friday, but I have the WORST. HEADACHE. EVER!!! My body aches, I generally feel like a mack truck has hit me, and reversed back over me again. I went to target to get NyQuil only to realize... I don't have a cough, my head isn't stopped up, I am not sneezy. So I asked the pharmacist what I should take... She said Tylenol. I was like seriously???? Nothing else??? So I bought some zzzquil to at least help me sleep. I pray its a sinus infection and not the "F" word... I can't even type it cause I CANNOT have that!!! 

• I am going to lunch with my mom tomorrow and she wants to go shopping... shopping with her is an ALL DAY thing. Lord help me get better over night... PLEASE :)

• On another note the wedding was perfect. The reception was amazing. I am not sure though it I am cut out for all that running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 
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• They finally installed my shower door... YES!!! It only took this crappy company about 100 days to do renos that should have taken maybe 21 days. But I have my house back!!! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!!!

• Last but not least, GO CARDS!!!

New territory

Today I will enter a new territory with side jobs... Today I wear the hat of Wedding event planner/coordinator. Back when the movie The Wedding Planner came out I thought man I wish I could do that!!! Well my wish has come true! Lol

Back in college I nannied during the summer. Hard to believe that these two girls are old enough to be marring age(must make me old lol) but one of them will become a wife today. I'm so excited for them! Anyway, her mom contacted me a few months ago and asked if I could help set up a candy buffet at the reception. I said sure... As the time got closer she asked me to do more and more and I eventually got the title of her wedding day coordinator. I've been so chill about it... But now I have to admit I'm a little nervous. Only because this is the most important day of her life ya know! 

We had the rehearsal last night at the church. They are Catholic, so maybe you Chatholic buddies can confirm or deny wether the wedding nazi aka wedding coordinator at your Parrish was/is so mean and void of a sense of humor??? The church lady as we call her in public was completely not having the father of the bride walk down the aisle with a mock bride. See everyone knows its bad luck for the bride to walk down the aisle before the wedding... So a friend of the bride made this cute version of V on skip stick... That lady was not amused and said that no church would ever do that blah blah blah. I was like ok. Anyway the church is beautiful and I know it's going to be an amazing wedding. 

The reception will be also! It's at the county club where they are members and I used to take the girls to swim back in the day. I've got every little detail of the candy buffet nailed down. Here is a pic of the practice run in my kitchen lol.

I just hope that the night doesn't get away from me. I'm not a watch wearing person but I might need to wear one to ought hahah. 

Best wishes to the Bride and Groom! It's 7:10 am and I am off to get things finalized and ready to set up at 11:)

Deja, Deja, Deja, vu... but much more hopeful

So, this cycle we are going all in. All chips are in the middle of the table. I splurged and bought digital opks... those lines are always so hard to read anyway. Robbie asked me today did you get a smiley face? No pressure, lol. I started charting and temping again. I even bought tests in case the stars were aligned and it was finally our time. I think that the announcements lately have really got him wanting a baby. He gushes about having a girl and talks to Zeke about protecting her. It is so sweet... but makes me so nervous.  Of course we will have to make sure Zoe wouldn't eat her... she's a bit territorial. But, really... if you want one you end up with the other right? If one at all. So, I haven't put all the eggs in one basket yet. Shoot I just hope to put 1 egg in my basket. lol

I know my body is in such a better place than it ever was before when we were actively trying. I know that my cycles are more regular than ever. I also know that our timing wasn't too off last month. I wish I could go back to when we first got married before all this infertility stuff and just try to make a baby the fun old fashioned way.... or maybe even just do that to do it not to try to create a mini version of us.

Anyway, I am having a bit of deja vu. I am really hoping that history doesn't repeat itself. I am asking begging really if you read this, please pray for us, and that God has it in our plan to get pregnant sooner than later. I should ovulate end of the week/ weekend... I would appreciate it. I just feel like the more friends I have praying the easier it will be to get through this and hopefully have our prayers answered this time.

The completely selfish side of me, knows that it would make is so much more bearable to go through my sisters pregnancy if I too had the promise of a little miracle baby not long after her. But, I know that might not be God's plan. But, this cycle will end about the same time I have to go to the dr with her to find out what she is having.... I am in charge of the reveal.... Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I have already cried about twice. I have to suck it up and just do it. But I have already warned my parents I will probably not make it through it very well. Especially seeing that it will only be a couple of days after I know yes or no :(

Side bar... I might just have to hide her on facebook...I can't bear to read her pregnancy comments and then see my mom so excited and proclaiming that she is going to have a baby girl. My dad doesn't get it at all, he told me the other day I need to just be happy about it. Oh no he didn't! Some people will NEVER understand!!!

I will just keep remembering : Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

i heart fall

The weather is cooling off, the leaves are changing colors, my tigers WON a football game... Its been a long time since that happened, but fall means football season & tailgating. Pumpkins are everywhere... in the next two months I will get my "hour" back to sleep when we fall back(I know its all in my head... but it makes me happy). OH yeah, there are only 9 more days until fall break.

I feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump around this time every year. Just replace shrimp with pumpkin and that me!

I LOVE...

• PSL ( pumpkin spice latte for people who might be hiding under a rock lol)
• pumpkin spice cupcakes ( I MAKE THE BEST!!!)
• Pillsbury pumpkin cookies with cream cheese chips in them (OMG eating some right now... Amazballs)
• pumpkin roll (so yummy)
• pumpkin cake donuts
• pumpkin smoothies
• the perfect grouping of pumpkins on my front porch (have to have 3 every year.... short and squatty, tall and skinny, and just regular old pumpkin)
• pumpkin place mats

Do I really need to go on???? You get the picture, this is my favorite time of year!

Happy Fall Y'all!

another one bites the dust... I am sure I have used this title before

Well another cycle has come and gone. The last one started with the news of a niece or nephew... We weren't/ aren't getting all crazy this go round with trying and timing and the psycho stuff that it can turn into... But we also aren't trying not to get pregnant. Although it seems my body might be doing that on its own. So, I was hopeful. We really did synchronize around the right times, but then somehow I got off on a couple of days, so I thought that there might be a chance since I miscounted. No such luck, when I figured out my counting error... Clock work here she comes. So, another one bites the dust.

I really have a strange feeling deep inside that says we are still going to have trouble. I am really honestly trying to stop my negative thoughts about this, but they keep coming back. The thought that I could actually get pregnant is like... well the topic with my class today... A unicorn! Yes, we are studying realism and fantasy this week. You guessed it, we discussed how we would all love to have a unicorn, because they are SO FLUFFY and we LOVE THEM!!! (from Despicable Me) but, that they really are mythical creatures, to which we finally came to consensus that they were in fact a fantasy.  So, too is my thought of being a mother. I am trying to put my faith in it... but something keeps nagging at me saying, you know this isn't supposed to be or going to be a real thing in your life. I am sure that this is just the "darkness" creeping in. I am not all doom and gloom about it or anything, but it does still hang over my head.
Anyway... This is just my quick thought for the night...

End of the summer... back to reality

I am exhausted. The beginning of school is always hard. But this year, we planned our vacay right before I went back to work, our house was ripped up and the living room was non livable, my home state has turned against teachers as a whole, and voted to lower our minimum salary. Which means last year at year 11 I have TOPPED OUT on pay. Yep you heard that right. I am now looking at how much I will never make ever ever again. :(  Oh and then the school system merger... I can't even type about it, it is so depressing. But my saving grace, besides God (Thank You God for all your many blessings) are those sweet little faces I get to see everyday! Sometimes I wish I could just be as free as them, and not know all the woes of the world.

But, anyway

We went on a LOVELY vacation that was truly awesome! We had awesome seats at the Cards game... and we won! Go Cards! We toured the stadium... AMAZING! My dad had a bajillion hilton points so, we got to stay in the Hilton at the ball park with our room over looking the ball park for FREE, plus the hefty parking fee. We toured the Brewery where Robbie just about died and was in heaven! I saw my second love, Blake Shelton. It's ok, Robbie loves him too :) We ran into one of my oldest friends and her family and got to go out to eat with them and get some drinks. Vacay 2013 was just what the Dr. ordered so to speak.  I could go there once a month, St. Louis truly is an awesome city!

We came back to what we knew was going to be NO WORK on our money pit. See we have trusted the WRONG people with our house. The guy we had been dealing with from July 3rd when our leak happened was supposed to rip out the master bath while we were gone... Guess what. He didn't and wouldn't return our calls. Then we got the "owner" involved. Well, he talked a good talk and at least got it started... but then after our check cleared for the deductible... you guessed it, he wouldn't return our calls. So right now, I have gorgeous new hardwood floors that have a few issues at doorways, and a few boards not glued down correctly, a shower that has been ripped out, bathroom floor gone... And crickets are all we hear.

Good news the tile guy who is also getting hosed on this deal seems to be a good guy and is trying to keep us updated if he hears from them and vice versa. So, tomorrow I am supposed to sit here and wait for a plumber who may or may not show since our project manager ( aka "owner") has not returned our phone call. I mean really its BAD BUSINESS people to not return a phone call! Oh and did I mention that "owner" said that the job would be done today... YEAH RIGHT! So, maybe before 2014 I will be able to post pictures of my new living room/entry floors and my master bath. But please don't hold you breath, I value your blogger buddy status too much! :)

Sorry for the long post... I need to work on posting more often :) Happy Weekend!