Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Eve. I am so truly blessed in so many ways. I have seen the quote circulating around on FB that says something like, as we grow older, our Christmas list gets smaller because the gifts we want can't be bought... or something like that. This year more than ever I truly believe this. Not that I didn't before, but I really have had a hard time when people ask me what I would like coming up with anything that I truly want more than a baby. Of course only God can give us that.

I have written previously that this Christmas time was going to be especially hard. I would have been 13 weeks and 5 days today. But honestly, I have had moments that were tough. But thanks to all of the prayers sent up for me, and the distraction of the hustle and bustle... probably way more the prayers, I have been alright. Your prayers have helped ease a time that could have been a very depressing time for me.

I love how the hope, even the smallest amount of it left, kinda floats up when you need it to. It is keeping me afloat in this Christmas season. This is such a wondrous time of year. To think that Mary and Joseph just went, knowing that there might not be a place for them, knowing that she was going to have Jesus any time now, they went anyway. I pray that I can have as much trust in God to lead us where we need to go. Praying it is down the road to parenthood. But, if not I pray we trust him to show us what he really has in store for our lives.

During this season of waiting... I have been doing a lot of that... and my hope was a little frazzled... I should have ovulated well over a week ago... The hubs and I had a convo Sunday night at dinner about it being bd day... He was like to be honest I have kind of given up. I said we can put it off til tomorrow if would like to ( knowing in my heart it could put us out of the running), but told him there is still a chance that with me being sick and all the parties and what not that it was just delayed a little... see there that little bit of hope keeps poking its head... but low and behold I got a little present today... of all days... looks like ovulation is upon us. This is the kind of thing that makes me smile, not because I want a baby more than life itself, but because God has shown me that I need to be patient, and let him do his thing!

I hear and trust you God! And, St. Andrew if you have anything to do with this I thank you too!
Merry Christmas too all!

Twelve

Around this time of year most people associate 12 with the days of Christmas.... But for me this year, it is the milestone of 12 weeks I should be celebrating. I have dealt with this loss pretty well considering (I guess... I've obviously never dealt with this type of loss before). But today, I would have been 12 weeks exactly. Our plan was to shout it from the roof tops around this time. But, silently I am sad, even cried a bit on my way to a Christmas party.
My day started with packing a small truck( not really, but no lie I looked like a bag lady walking in to school) for Polar Express day. I had to take all the ingredients for making hot chocolate from scratch, and gingerbread cookies, bells, etc. We wore our PJs and watched the movie. It was a super busy day, which really helped keep my mind off things.  After school I had to burn the birthday dvd I made for my sister. While doing so I talked with Robbie about who was coming to the party and what not. Then I realized there will be pregnant people at the party. This was never really that big of a deal before, but tonight it started me thinking about what today was.

I headed off to my DG Christmas party. I always love seeing these lovely ladies. I miss seeing them as often as we used to, but everyone has life going on, children, jobs, etc. It is always great to see them and laugh about stupid things, catch up on what is going on with everyone. We play dirty Santa and this year I lost the most awesome gift. But that is ok, its not about that. Tonight was tough at times. Only 2 of these girls know about our loss. So, I couldn't really talk about it. We are throwing a Christmas party tomorrow night and I had to leave earlier than usual so I could finish shopping for the party and come home to clean up the house... Here I sit writing a blog post instead. I am just worn out. Why is it that when we have so much going on we are so worn out it almost seems impossible to get anything done.

I am rambling now... I need to go to bed, but I just needed to tell someone about my struggle today. I don't want talk to the hubs about it because I don't want him to get upset or down in the dumps about it.   I guess I will always have days like these. I am grateful that I don't have them that often. I am also grateful that so many people are praying for me and our journey. I think that that might just be the reason I have fewer sad days that happy.

Mayo Family Tradition... ends with a fat lip

Every year we get together at my parents to decorate their 12 ft tall christmas tree. Now my mom overdoes ever holiday, but christmas is at the top of the list. She has like 6 trees through out the house. The big one has lots of our ornaments from over the year and she gets new ones each year. They are the glass specialty kind. It really is the most beautiful tree when we are all finished. We always watch Christmas Vacation while we decorate.

This year my sister is a big as the broad side of a barn talking about how much the baby is moving, her fiance is not really into the decorating, my hubs is helpful but really doesn't want to help, my dad is busy on his computer, bring the tree downstairs is what he has done to help out. I am stuck helping mom and lets just face it I have already completely decorated my own tree.

This year we decorated half and ate dinner. Afterwards Robbie and I start hanging things on the tree. My mom goes up the stairs behind it to put stuff in the top of the tree... and loses her footing and slips down the stairs, and ends up on top of a large rubbermaid tub of very breakable ornaments. I rush over to help check her out and she thinks she is ok. See she has an artificial knee so I am asking how her knee is, she kind of looked stunned but said her knees were fine. But I quickly notice she is bleeding from her mouth. I took her in the bathroom and it appears she has bit her upper lip. Needless to say we all flipped out, my pregnant sister freaked and was crying. Then my mom was crying because she just wanted to get the tree done. I then started feeling like a heel for not finishing it earlier in the night... Tomorrow my mom is going to be so sore I am sure. I just hope and pray that the lip is really the only injury. It scared the crap out of me.

So, if you could please say a prayer that she is ok and not in too much pain. We are taking a taller ladder over tomorrow night to finish putting the ornaments and topper on the tree... But I am thinking they just need a shorter tree.

December Adopt A Blogger

I am so honored to have been nominated as the adopt a blogger this month. Here is a brief look into my little life. I am a 1st grade teacher in my hometown. I am married to my best friend, and have two precious pups, Zeke and Zoe. We moved back in March and live just down the street from my parents and about a mile from his mom.  I have never wanted anything more than to be wife and mom. My sister lives in my town too, she is pregnant with her first due in March. Anyway, my husband and I got married in June 2008. A few months before we got married I got the mirena iud, because we weren't planning on having kids quickly. Well, before our first anniversary, the kiddo bug had bit us both and I got it removed. I must add here we were some of the last of our friends to get married and by our first anniversary everyone was on there first and/or second child. At this point they all made it look so easy. We completely were blindsided by all the talk of PCOS, infertility, and being branded by my obgyn. 

So, in 2010 my obgyn referred me to an RE in my town. Well, he said weight had a lot to do with it, so I tried to lose weight. I lost a little and we did 2 rounds of clomid, when that was not working we did clomid, shots, and iui. It was again a big disappointment on top of the craziness the meds caused me. I had a moment of clarity and we took some time off. Fast forward to 2011, new obgyn and new thing thrown at me.... weightloss surgery. Fast forward to Nov 2012 I bit the bullet, committed to losing the weight, had surgery, and 11 months and 90 lbs later we start trying again after 4 1/2 year of never getting pregnant. With A LOT of prayer and ovulation sticks, I was sure I was out, but low and behold, our prayers were answered. Unfortunately, the weekend after my confirmation appointment with a new obgyn and close friend, I started miscarrying. At that point it was bitter sweet. I was so happy, happier than I have ever been for the 10 or 12 days that I knew I was pregnant... As much pain as I was feeling afterwards, I had to hold on to the fact that I had gotten pregnant without meds and or doctors. 

Today (of all days) is the start of a new cycle and we have the hope that this cycle could be our very own Christmas miracle. The holidays have always been a little tough, this one will be a little tougher, knowing I should have been ending my first trimester on Christmas eve... We were so excited. We even got reveal pictures taken the day before the miscarriage happened to give as Christmas gifts. Thank you for taking the time to read about me, and more importantly for the prayers! Please leave me comments of things you would like prayers for. I am praying the St. Andrews Novena right now and would love to pray for you too! 

Here is the link to the adopt-ablogger blog

THANK YOU in advance and Merry Christmas!

It's A Wonderful Life...

One of my favorite Christmas movies.... But, truly I kind of feel like George and Mary with this old house... the only thing missing is all the children. But, now that we have the space, hopefully God will bless us with at least one kiddo to fill some of these rooms.  I am praying the St. Andrew's novena from Nov. 30th  - Christmas. I find it so calming and really draws me closer to God.

Aside from the prayer putting me in the Christmas spirit, my Christmas cards came yesterday!!! And this Thanksgiving break I have spent a lot of time decorating our spaces. I also got a super black Friday deal on a new bigger Christmas tree. I am so loving all the decorations, and get the biggest smile on my face when I look around our humble abode. :) "Smiling is my favorite!"  - Elf

Anyway here a few pics of Christmas at the Robbins' Roost :

Liebster Award

Thank you Stephanie at Blessed to Be for the nomination for the Liebster award. I love reading your blog! You are such an encourager and sweet spirited blogger! I am blessed to be your blogger buddy! :)

Now to answer your questions...

My 11 questions for you, dear award winners:

1.) Why do you blog? I started blogging because I needed an outlet for all of my roller coaster of emotions dealing with infertility. I also think it is great to document life experiences so that I have them when my memory might not be so great. :)

2.) What is your favorite smell? Right now my favorite smell is Pumpkin Pecan Waffles from Bath and Body Works. It is simply DEVINE!

3.) What would you have as your last meal? Include appetizer, main course, and dessert. hmmm. this is a hard one. Appetizer - some sort of chip and dip... I am a sucker for that especially at Mexican places. Main Course - probably a fillet and baked potato or maybe crab legs I love both of those. Dessert - some sort of brownie a la mode or something like that.

4.) If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?  I really have no idea about this one...

5.) Who's your favorite Disney character? Cinderella 

6.) What movie did you most recently watch? Cheesy Christmas movie on Hallmark Channel

7.) What song are you currently listening to on repeat? I can't seem to get that pit bull song out of my head since the AMAs the other night... Timber it muse be about a lumber jack or something lol

8.) Cupcake or slice of pie? cupcake hands down... my pumpkin spice with cream cheese icing beats pie any old day!

9.) If you could have any miniaturized animal as a pet, what would you pick? (e.g. My husband wants a mini-bear.) I have always wanted a pet pig. I guess it started with Charlotte's Web. 

10.) If you just found out company was coming over in a few hours, what dish would you whip up for them? meat loaf & hash brown casserole or tacos... we always have the ingredients for both 

11.) Summarize yourself in 4 words. GO!   smart, kind, leader, creative

Christmas Cards!!!

I am so super excited about our christmas cards this year. Of course I would have been more excited to use it as our reveal about being pregnant... But, I am trying to stay positive. I decided to go on and use the picture we planned on using with a christmas gift even thought its not our little miracle inside. :( It just turned out so freaking good I couldn't not use it. Anyway, I love our photographer!!! She is amazing and she didn't send me any of the pregnancy related photos since she knew our situation. I hate it though cause I bet they were so cute!
I love that Shutterfly gives so many discount codes around this time of year. I got our Christmas cards for less than $1.00 a piece!!! I can't wait to get them in and start addressing them!!! It just totally puts me in the Christmas spirit! But, without further ado...

Stationery Card

View the entire collection of cards.

1 year ago...

This was me. Tired, extremely over weight, sad, not so fun to be around. Trying to smile and look happy but really dying inside! This pic was actually in September, but I am 100% it was at my highest weight!
Who is that person?

Fast forward to the 4th of July this year...
Side by side of the 4th 2012 and 2013 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!

Here I am in early October this year... same yearly party as the first pic... 

BFF and I made sure to take another pic like last year. WOW! I actually bought the shirt I have on at Ann Taylor Loft that same day... right of the rack... size large... and on sale for $10.  It has been YEARS since I could even set foot in that store, let alone wear a large. 

And here are my Pictures from the Doctor... Oh how it makes me so sad to look at the old me.

 Thank God I made this change!

I have lost at total of 36 inches from chest, hips, and waist. 

I have lost a total of 90 lbs.

I have dropped 5 sizes about to move down again. :)

This next one is not the best pic of me now... but it definitely shows my progress! Can't wait to get our professional pics back... I actually bought my first pair of "skinny jeans" for our Christmas card pics.

I finally am ok with taking pictures again... I don't have to hide when there is a camera anymore!

What a difference a year can make!

1 week later

Well, a week ago today was the saddest, most disappointing day of our lives thus far. Even though we will never stop grieving this loss, we have moved to a place where functioning "normally" is coming back. I go back to work tomorrow... I am praying that no one asks me where I was all week, or if I am ok. I just want to be in my classroom with my kiddos.

I am only going to be there until lunch though... tomorrow is my 1 year post op appointment. I am very happy with my weight loss over the past year. I am at 90 lbs lost. But, I do wish I could have been at 100 or even 125 at this point. I know if I had worked at it a tad more I would have been there. I am making it my priority to get the next 30 to 35 off by February. I am going to hit the gym 5 days a week. There is not excuse. Not to mention we can't "try" for a whole cycle. So, I could get some weight off before we are able to start back. And the elliptical machine will totally shutter when I get on cause I have A LOT of built up anger after this loss. What better way to get it out... my new anger management :)

I know that the holidays are coming and that can be a set back. But I am going to make an example of how to eat healthy and still manage to enjoy the holidays! Its all about portion control.

And above all... this gives me something to focus on.

Day 3

Well yesterday I went back to the dr to have more blood work. It appears that my levels were low on Friday when I went in for the confirmation appointment. So, the process had already started without knowing.... I did have an inkling of an idea when the test was faint and the ultrasounds "tiniest little sac" comment. Yesterday, my hcg had gone down from 49 to 4, so we are almost done. My dr said that my progesterone was low on friday and that to be safe next time as soon as I get a positive test to start the progesterone.

So I have the prescription already... See he gave me the prescription on Friday, but Kroger didn't call me to tell me they don't fill that in their pharmacy so when I went to pick it up it was already after hours for the pharmacy that does and guess what??? All of the pharmacies that do fill that are closed on the weekends. :(

I am doing better than I thought. I still can't say it without bursting into tears. I am not sure I will ever be able to. The bleeding has almost stopped. Thank God! I think that is what makes it worse... seeing my pregnancy flush down the toilet (sorry so blunt... but that is literally what I have done for the past 2 1/2 days).

Today is a bittersweet day in our family. Aside from dealing with this loss, I was supposed to go with my sister at 2 to find out what she is having. Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. Now, I am not going, I am practicing my put on a happy face for when she tells me what she is having.

Why oh why does this have to happen? What a horrible experience. I know that this happened because something was not right... but why let it happen at all if its not going to be right? I know its nothing we did, I know its better this way, but that does not change the hurt and pain! I know I am not alone in this thought process or experience. I hate that any one of us ever has to go through this. I guess as my dad has always told me, "it builds character." But even he said, I have my fill of character and this just sucks! The only thing I can do is cry out to Jesus! I have not been able to get that song out of my head since Saturday night.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We need them and feel them.

The post I have never wanted to read or write myself...

God works in miraculous ways. The morning after my last post I woke up to a little temp jump so I said , what the heck! and took a test, I mean I had one a few. I mean I expected it was negative and I would start sometime that day anyway. But to my wondering eyes a very faint positive was right there on the test. I was sure it was just a fluke. All day I was waiting to start. But realized, I too could have a BFP on my hands. I took another test that night and bam much darker very obvious positive. The next morning I used the last First Response I had left... TWO PINK LINES!!! I was in complete SHOCK!

Almost 4 1/2 years of trying with no positive ever, I was beside myself. I was conflicted because I had written the post on Wednesday and do I tell my blogger buddies... But due to the fact that I know too many who have had complications, I decided to keep mums the word. I told my hubs by having him open the book "Dude, You're Going to Be a Dad!" He was much like me cautiously optimistic... shoot he was over the moon. He was on the phone with his best friend for so long he burned our dinner. :)

I bought more test but spaced them out until my dr. appointment on Friday. I got positives each time even on the digitals. Man the rush of emotions of getting the word pregnant on those tests. I had instant forgetfulness, and horribly sore tatas. I had wavering nausea and was exhausted. So, I didn't worry at that point other than the fact that the positive tests weren't getting as dark as the control lines.

I got to my dr. appointment on Friday and was a little worried when the test at the office was pretty faint. But my dr. reassured me that their tests were less sensitive than the ones you buy at the store. Then I had an ultrasound with the most insensitive tech ever!!! She started by saying she was so behind... Then she went on to say that it was the tiniest little sac she had ever seen... must be like 3 weeks... mind you in my mind I am thinking I should be at about 5 weeks.... The she went on a rant about how those tests make her cringe because people take them before they should have a period and at that point you might have a fertilized egg... but things can happen. I was mortified when I got done. I did freak out for a little. My Dr. made me feel better with maybe I ovulated late and that there was a sac... it was probably just too early.

Fast forward to Saturday(yesterday). We had our pictures taken by a friend and AWESOME photographer! I was so excited we took regular pics but also some pics that we would use to announce the pregnancy to our family and then our friends. I can't wait to see them, these are also my 90 lbs weight loss pics.  Afterwards I met my parents, sister, and her fiance at our local baseball team's stadium for a special showing of Hocus Pocus on the jumbotron.  It was fun. My sister and I know pretty much every line of that movie from our childhood. :) But, while there I started spotting. Through out the night it progressively got worse. This morning a test confirmed I was no longer pregnant and was having a miscarriage.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have such a wonderful family and bunch of friends though. My work colleagues have taken over everything for my class. I don't have to worry with sub plans or what is going on with my kiddos because they are taking care of it all for me. They even offered to come do my laundry and grade my papers. My best friend has offered to take off work in the morning to go to the Dr. with me. My husband took care of me until he had to go to work but had my mom come over to stay with me while he was at work. She brought me Reese's peanut butter pumpkins, took me to Starbucks (I sat in the car), and watched NeNe's wedding marathon (train wreck... can't stop watching).  It is truly amazing how the symptoms have vanished so quickly... tatas normal, bloating going away, temp back down.... Pregnant one min, not the next. How quickly things can change.

I will be OK... I know I can now get pregnant... my hope is still in tack... I am just a little shaken. Little One, I am sad now, but know you are going to be watching down on us!

and so it goes... back to reality

I was so hopeful. I was do excited. I am so sad. All the feelings of my posts back when we were trying are ALL BACK! :( I guess I had removed myself from those thoughts and feelings after time blocked them out. But its like the Celine Dion Song, Its all coming back to me now. Our timing was perfect. I propped my hips for 1 hr instead of 30 mins... And then I got some weird fever and terrible headache... temps when sideways and way high and have been erratic at best since. I have had all the tell tale signs the monthly visitor is on her way.

No, I never ever thought I could fully forget the feelings of the cross of IF, but when you aren't actively trying its a little (I use this word loosely) less tough. But, then as stark white test zaps you back into the reality. then the ever foreboding temp drop...

I know we will be ok, but not without the tears, and invisible bruises from being knocked off my feet. I know and felt so many prayers over this past month. I thank you for that! Not everyone knows about this, so I know the prayers I felt were from you.

I have a very good friend at work, she is a bit of a none believer. It bothers me but, I know that God wants me to never let her go! She is an amazing friend. I love her like a sister. I pray for her daily. Anyway, she is a bit older than me, but single and has had some rough patches along her journey. When I first met her she was thinking of adopting since she was sure she would never remarry. Today, God put her right where I needed her. She brought me the most precious gift. I know that she wanted a baby probably just as badly as I do, at one point. Did I mention she is an art teacher? Well, she makes awesome art. Below is a picture of the precious gift she gave me today.  She said she wanted me to have it. She made it back when she was trying and hoped it helped with good baby vibes.

I bawled right there in front of everyone in the office when she gave it to me. 

So with this post I will start yet another cycle in the next day or so. 

Fall Break and other random thoughts

• I love fall break! Its a time to recharge my batteries and enjoy lunch with friends, sleep late, work on house projects... and get sick :(

• I never get a fever... well today it spiked to 100. 22. NEVER. HAPPENS. PERIOD.!!! I have a dr. appointment on Friday, but I have the WORST. HEADACHE. EVER!!! My body aches, I generally feel like a mack truck has hit me, and reversed back over me again. I went to target to get NyQuil only to realize... I don't have a cough, my head isn't stopped up, I am not sneezy. So I asked the pharmacist what I should take... She said Tylenol. I was like seriously???? Nothing else??? So I bought some zzzquil to at least help me sleep. I pray its a sinus infection and not the "F" word... I can't even type it cause I CANNOT have that!!! 

• I am going to lunch with my mom tomorrow and she wants to go shopping... shopping with her is an ALL DAY thing. Lord help me get better over night... PLEASE :)

• On another note the wedding was perfect. The reception was amazing. I am not sure though it I am cut out for all that running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 
• 
  
• They finally installed my shower door... YES!!! It only took this crappy company about 100 days to do renos that should have taken maybe 21 days. But I have my house back!!! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!!!

• Last but not least, GO CARDS!!!

New territory

Today I will enter a new territory with side jobs... Today I wear the hat of Wedding event planner/coordinator. Back when the movie The Wedding Planner came out I thought man I wish I could do that!!! Well my wish has come true! Lol

Back in college I nannied during the summer. Hard to believe that these two girls are old enough to be marring age(must make me old lol) but one of them will become a wife today. I'm so excited for them! Anyway, her mom contacted me a few months ago and asked if I could help set up a candy buffet at the reception. I said sure... As the time got closer she asked me to do more and more and I eventually got the title of her wedding day coordinator. I've been so chill about it... But now I have to admit I'm a little nervous. Only because this is the most important day of her life ya know! 

We had the rehearsal last night at the church. They are Catholic, so maybe you Chatholic buddies can confirm or deny wether the wedding nazi aka wedding coordinator at your Parrish was/is so mean and void of a sense of humor??? The church lady as we call her in public was completely not having the father of the bride walk down the aisle with a mock bride. See everyone knows its bad luck for the bride to walk down the aisle before the wedding... So a friend of the bride made this cute version of V on skip stick... That lady was not amused and said that no church would ever do that blah blah blah. I was like ok. Anyway the church is beautiful and I know it's going to be an amazing wedding. 

The reception will be also! It's at the county club where they are members and I used to take the girls to swim back in the day. I've got every little detail of the candy buffet nailed down. Here is a pic of the practice run in my kitchen lol.

I just hope that the night doesn't get away from me. I'm not a watch wearing person but I might need to wear one to ought hahah. 

Best wishes to the Bride and Groom! It's 7:10 am and I am off to get things finalized and ready to set up at 11:)

Deja, Deja, Deja, vu... but much more hopeful

So, this cycle we are going all in. All chips are in the middle of the table. I splurged and bought digital opks... those lines are always so hard to read anyway. Robbie asked me today did you get a smiley face? No pressure, lol. I started charting and temping again. I even bought tests in case the stars were aligned and it was finally our time. I think that the announcements lately have really got him wanting a baby. He gushes about having a girl and talks to Zeke about protecting her. It is so sweet... but makes me so nervous.  Of course we will have to make sure Zoe wouldn't eat her... she's a bit territorial. But, really... if you want one you end up with the other right? If one at all. So, I haven't put all the eggs in one basket yet. Shoot I just hope to put 1 egg in my basket. lol

I know my body is in such a better place than it ever was before when we were actively trying. I know that my cycles are more regular than ever. I also know that our timing wasn't too off last month. I wish I could go back to when we first got married before all this infertility stuff and just try to make a baby the fun old fashioned way.... or maybe even just do that to do it not to try to create a mini version of us.

Anyway, I am having a bit of deja vu. I am really hoping that history doesn't repeat itself. I am asking begging really if you read this, please pray for us, and that God has it in our plan to get pregnant sooner than later. I should ovulate end of the week/ weekend... I would appreciate it. I just feel like the more friends I have praying the easier it will be to get through this and hopefully have our prayers answered this time.

The completely selfish side of me, knows that it would make is so much more bearable to go through my sisters pregnancy if I too had the promise of a little miracle baby not long after her. But, I know that might not be God's plan. But, this cycle will end about the same time I have to go to the dr with her to find out what she is having.... I am in charge of the reveal.... Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I have already cried about twice. I have to suck it up and just do it. But I have already warned my parents I will probably not make it through it very well. Especially seeing that it will only be a couple of days after I know yes or no :(

Side bar... I might just have to hide her on facebook...I can't bear to read her pregnancy comments and then see my mom so excited and proclaiming that she is going to have a baby girl. My dad doesn't get it at all, he told me the other day I need to just be happy about it. Oh no he didn't! Some people will NEVER understand!!!

I will just keep remembering : Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

i heart fall

The weather is cooling off, the leaves are changing colors, my tigers WON a football game... Its been a long time since that happened, but fall means football season & tailgating. Pumpkins are everywhere... in the next two months I will get my "hour" back to sleep when we fall back(I know its all in my head... but it makes me happy). OH yeah, there are only 9 more days until fall break.

I feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump around this time every year. Just replace shrimp with pumpkin and that me!

I LOVE...

• PSL ( pumpkin spice latte for people who might be hiding under a rock lol)
• pumpkin spice cupcakes ( I MAKE THE BEST!!!)
• Pillsbury pumpkin cookies with cream cheese chips in them (OMG eating some right now... Amazballs)
• pumpkin roll (so yummy)
• pumpkin cake donuts
• pumpkin smoothies
• the perfect grouping of pumpkins on my front porch (have to have 3 every year.... short and squatty, tall and skinny, and just regular old pumpkin)
• pumpkin place mats

Do I really need to go on???? You get the picture, this is my favorite time of year!

Happy Fall Y'all!

another one bites the dust... I am sure I have used this title before

Well another cycle has come and gone. The last one started with the news of a niece or nephew... We weren't/ aren't getting all crazy this go round with trying and timing and the psycho stuff that it can turn into... But we also aren't trying not to get pregnant. Although it seems my body might be doing that on its own. So, I was hopeful. We really did synchronize around the right times, but then somehow I got off on a couple of days, so I thought that there might be a chance since I miscounted. No such luck, when I figured out my counting error... Clock work here she comes. So, another one bites the dust.

I really have a strange feeling deep inside that says we are still going to have trouble. I am really honestly trying to stop my negative thoughts about this, but they keep coming back. The thought that I could actually get pregnant is like... well the topic with my class today... A unicorn! Yes, we are studying realism and fantasy this week. You guessed it, we discussed how we would all love to have a unicorn, because they are SO FLUFFY and we LOVE THEM!!! (from Despicable Me) but, that they really are mythical creatures, to which we finally came to consensus that they were in fact a fantasy.  So, too is my thought of being a mother. I am trying to put my faith in it... but something keeps nagging at me saying, you know this isn't supposed to be or going to be a real thing in your life. I am sure that this is just the "darkness" creeping in. I am not all doom and gloom about it or anything, but it does still hang over my head.
Anyway... This is just my quick thought for the night...

End of the summer... back to reality

I am exhausted. The beginning of school is always hard. But this year, we planned our vacay right before I went back to work, our house was ripped up and the living room was non livable, my home state has turned against teachers as a whole, and voted to lower our minimum salary. Which means last year at year 11 I have TOPPED OUT on pay. Yep you heard that right. I am now looking at how much I will never make ever ever again. :(  Oh and then the school system merger... I can't even type about it, it is so depressing. But my saving grace, besides God (Thank You God for all your many blessings) are those sweet little faces I get to see everyday! Sometimes I wish I could just be as free as them, and not know all the woes of the world.

But, anyway

We went on a LOVELY vacation that was truly awesome! We had awesome seats at the Cards game... and we won! Go Cards! We toured the stadium... AMAZING! My dad had a bajillion hilton points so, we got to stay in the Hilton at the ball park with our room over looking the ball park for FREE, plus the hefty parking fee. We toured the Brewery where Robbie just about died and was in heaven! I saw my second love, Blake Shelton. It's ok, Robbie loves him too :) We ran into one of my oldest friends and her family and got to go out to eat with them and get some drinks. Vacay 2013 was just what the Dr. ordered so to speak.  I could go there once a month, St. Louis truly is an awesome city!

We came back to what we knew was going to be NO WORK on our money pit. See we have trusted the WRONG people with our house. The guy we had been dealing with from July 3rd when our leak happened was supposed to rip out the master bath while we were gone... Guess what. He didn't and wouldn't return our calls. Then we got the "owner" involved. Well, he talked a good talk and at least got it started... but then after our check cleared for the deductible... you guessed it, he wouldn't return our calls. So right now, I have gorgeous new hardwood floors that have a few issues at doorways, and a few boards not glued down correctly, a shower that has been ripped out, bathroom floor gone... And crickets are all we hear.

Good news the tile guy who is also getting hosed on this deal seems to be a good guy and is trying to keep us updated if he hears from them and vice versa. So, tomorrow I am supposed to sit here and wait for a plumber who may or may not show since our project manager ( aka "owner") has not returned our phone call. I mean really its BAD BUSINESS people to not return a phone call! Oh and did I mention that "owner" said that the job would be done today... YEAH RIGHT! So, maybe before 2014 I will be able to post pictures of my new living room/entry floors and my master bath. But please don't hold you breath, I value your blogger buddy status too much! :)

Sorry for the long post... I need to work on posting more often :) Happy Weekend!

It happened...

The one thing that I thought all this time I would be completely hysterical about, mad at the world, inconsolable... need I go on. My sister is pregnant.

Strangely enough, it was more the hubs that had a full out temper tantrum and went on and on and on about it. See I have been going to a Bible study all summer at my moms. We are doing a study of joy even in rain of our lives finding the joy that comes from GOD alone! I really think that it is the reason I am not beating my hands on the floor screaming why??? At our last meeting we were discussing finding joy even in our worst disappointments. Well I hadn't planned on totally unleashing all that is IF to this small group of women... but the moment presented itself and for once with people I don't know that well and have no idea if they have any idea about IF, and then of course my mom,  ( whom I have never really been able to discuss this part of my life with because well,... she doesn't understand and just wanted to fix what couldn't be fixed) I let it all out. I was calm and collected then I burst into tears.. Explaining that I am so thankful for my husband and relationship with God, because without both, who knows where I would be at this point. How really it was hard for me in the first few years. I smiled through the pain and then unleashed the wrath of an infertile woman on my husband and God. Then something changed and I realized that with God it was going to be possible but that it wasn't the right time. But needless to say, I got it all off my chest. It was much easier than I had thought it would be. But the message has really helped me. Along with other things that have happened over the past year. I am blessed with so much Joy I can't let the unjoyous ( if that is a word)  over shadow.

But, that has got to be the reason this is not hurting me more. I think I am more worried for this child than I am about her being pregnant. She is not married as of now, and her boyfriend doesn't have a job right now. I mean PERFECT freaking timing right??? I think I also had some notice... she blurted out over here one night that they were trying. She actually said to me..."Morgan, I am not getting any younger!!!" I almost punched her in the face. But, she has always done things her own way and not listened to ANYONE. So, how would this be any different?

So, my problem comes in that now my husband who was pushing for us to start trying again said last night... I don't even want to try anymore. I don't want to get pregnant and be pregnant at the same time. Which I can completely understand and kind of agree... I don't want to share the lime light that we have tried so hard for, for so very long with  "Miss. we really weren't trying" ( ok I know that was totally catty.. sorry)

So, I am going to be an aunt in late February. If you know me in real life this is not public knowledge yet so please don't say anything. This was a quick post I apologize for typos or if there are parts that don't make sense..

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls...

Well, I sure didn't chase one, but I got one... in my living room. When we bought our house we knew that they previous owners might have walked away from it because of all the leaks that they had. My hometown is known for its pin hole leaks in the plumbing, due to a glitch in the code enforcement between about a 20 year time period. So, most if not all of the people in my hood have had to re plumb or fix multitudes of leaks. Our thought was, 1: they already had them so hopefully they fixed the problem, 2: for the price we were getting it was worth taking the chance, because we would run into this problem with any houses in our price rage and area we wanted to live.

So, Wednesday started out like any other. I got up to take a shower so I could get ready to go pick up some chairs that I scored for $5 each and then to lunch with my best friend. During my shower I noticed that the water wasn't draining... I was like oh crap! I still needed to shave my legs and the water was getting close to the bottom of the door. So, I hurried and got out. Sent a text to Robbie (who I thought was still at work... but was actually about to come into the house) showing a pic of the water just sitting there. I then got the plunger. It wasn't working correctly, but the water finally started going down. About the time it was all gone, Robbie yelled up to me that water was coming through the ac vent all over the floor and chair sitting by the fire place. I was like WHAT?!?!?!? I really thought he pulling my leg. I ran down and sure enough, my chair that I have been planing to recover was SOAKED! Water was everywhere in that area. We dried it up with towels and called Home Warranty Peeps asap. They sent someone out and low and behold... IT'S NOT COVERED! Yeah we paid for the "covers everything" home warranty and it has yet to cover anything we have called about. :( BOO!

The plumber called a restoration company that deals with the mess and cause of our problem... the infamous shower pan. This guy measured the water under our already warping wood floors... 100%. Upstairs there was water under the flooring in our bathroom. The ceiling was wet... His thoughts. New floors up and down, new ceiling, new shower. But that they shower pan was not going to be covered by homeowners either. BOO! Well, until we found out it cost like $40 bucks.

Of course this all happens on July 3rd, the day my town is celebrating the 4th. So, restoration guy sets up 5 million loud fans and dehumidifiers and leaves, to be back with the adjuster on the 5th.

Crazy part, we can still use the shower as long as it doesn't stop up. It only leaks if it stops up. So, until we start demo... We are still using it.

Fast forward to the 5th. I have been prepared to FIGHT TO THE DEATH on making sure that insurance pays for the demo and reconstruct of the shower... Because it was in question since they don't cover the pan. Much to my surprise, I didn't have to fight for anything, they were going to do everything I wanted done and then some! HALLELUJAH! Farm Bureau insurance is AMAZING!

I am now picking out paint colors, wood floor samples, tile etc. Here's what they are going to do:

Livingroom - scrap and re do ceilings after replacing 1/2 of the ceiling on the end where the damage is. Paint walls & trim. But,  get this... the living room is open to the entryway... SO, they are doing the ceilings in there too. they are also going to paint... trim too!!! Oh and the stairs' walls are also continuous... so they are getting painted too!

Bathroom - Gut shower, we pay to fix the shower issue, re-do the shower, re-do floors.

Now the even more awesome part is that we have a friend who will be doing all the floor and tile work... So he is going to charge us WAY less so we can do more areas of floor... ie the flooring in the entry and the toilet room in our bathroom. ( its a different type than the living room right now, so insurance isn't going to put that in the paper work)

Ironically, we had all that they are going to be redoing on our punch out list for "one day." I am so thankful for all that God continues to provide for Robbie and me!

5 Years

Yep, celebrated 5 years of marriage on June 14th. Its really crazy to think how fast 5 years have gone by. Then again there were years during the last 5 that seemed like they would never end. Thanks to IF we have grown closer as a couple and our love has grown and changed a lot. For that I am thankful. I know there were years that I would never have thought those words thankful for IF would ever come from my mouth. But, really it is a blessing. We are stronger in all aspects of our lives because of that. We might not have children yet, but we have two sweet fur babies, a beautiful home, and loving friends and family.

The greatest night of my life so far...

Our first Anniversary... The only time we have eaten on our china :)  

Our Second Anniversary - Zack Brown Band, Beale Street, Spent the night at the Westin

Our Third Anniversary - Bone Fish for Dinner and we gave each other new carpet so we could list our house for sale... 

Our Fourth Anniversary - Steam Boat Days in Iowa with BLAKE SHELTON and Robbie's family

5 Years! Headed downtown to eat an overpriced meal in a cool restaurant that used to be a movie theater. Funny thing is we ate dinner, and were home in bed asleep by 9:30... We are getting old!

Catch me if you can...

Thats what I feel like my Blog is saying. If I had a dollar for everytime I sat down to write a post, but got side tracked... I would have about 20 bucks tops. lol I have been so busy that the blog has been on the back burner. Most times I would check on  and read the blogs I follow, posting a few comments here or there... but never enough time to actually write a post.

At this point there are so many things I need to say, but can't possibly remember them all or get caught up right?!?!

Summer has started with a bang! I am LOVIN' being a pool owner! This skin is getting sunkissed after 2 year in the dark! Literally, I didn't get in the sun for two year. Robbie joked that I must really be a russian, I am guessing they must be very pale. Anyway, still hard to believe this is our house and our lives are going so well. But, I am going to take both of those and thank God for them every minute of the day and night!

I have been a busy little beaver though, between laying out and swimming I have made a few things. You know I love being crafty. I'll share a few pics.

Super cheap HUGE frame I got and painted and added burlap, chicken wire for a cute memo board for my kitchen :)

 Painting the Kitchen wood work.. pain but looks great now that it is FINALLY done :)

 House Warming for a friend

Guest Bedroom twin beds

 Cute Hospital Door Sign for a friend and her baby boy

 Cute diaper cake and sign for my best childhood friend who is going to be a daddy in August or September. 

I am currently working on a chair and a few other things I have picked up. I think I must have been Samford from Samford and Sons in a different life. LOL my garage looks like I have been dumpster diving for trash to turn into treasures :)

Two more posts to come in the next two days, 5 Years of Married Bliss & My Fur Babies Gotcha Days

God is SO GOOD!

My little Rock Stars rocked that test today! My student teacher text me to let me know they did a good job, per the teacher who gave my test. I was more worried about them, than I was my tests.

I love the specialist I saw today. He was funny, charismatic, and optimistic! He agreed there were two masses. Of the two he was more worried about the little one. I had an ultra sound and mammogram. And let me add the mammo was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. He did find a cyst under the larger mass that could be causing the fibrous tissue to be inflamed. So, he said after seeing the test results, he is not worried in the least about either. The other might just be a fatty lobe or something like that. He is going to be cautious though and see me back in 3 months and a couple more times leading up to 1 year out. He did say even with mammo and ultrasounds 3% of women can still have cancer, and that is why he wants to monitor me for the next year just to make sure. But lets be honest, that is a pretty tiny percentage.

So, a day of shopping with my mom was my celebration of two huge weights being lifted today. Both sets of test went well! Happy Happy Happy! Thanks for the prayers!

Prayers for a day of tests

Well today is the first day of the SAT 10 testing for my sweet little firsties... I'm so nervous how they will handle absolutely no talking, paying close attention, and stress of taking this test. More stressing is that I won't be there to cheer them on. They will have someone else, that they are not used to being with giving the test... Because I have to go for tests self. Today I have an appointment with a breast specialist at west clinic. A little over a week ago I found a rather large lump and a small lump. After going to my obgyn she referred me to the specialist. I'm nervous to say the least. Please pray this is nothing and that my kiddos don't lose it while I am not there and do well on the first day of testing.

getting back to normal or so it seems

well we are completely in our new home... working on getting everything put in its place. We tackled painting the shutters before we moved in, bought a new front door and finally painted it to match the shutters.

We were able to get the trim and moldings in the living room painted. But let me tell you... I QUIT after that. Painting poly'd wood is tough! We used Kilz and 3 or 4 coats of paint with primer in it and if you hit it just right it just peels right off :( So, even though we still have the kitchen, entry hall, dining room, mud room, & laundry room left to paint, I am not doing it! Well as of now... :)

Our pool was easier to fix than we expected. It took us about 3 weeks of vacuuming and 25 lbs of shock but it is ready for swimmers. We have realized that the lovely shade trees are going to be our biggest enemy. I see a lot of vacuuming in our future... like everyday. We have replaced the light so now we can go swimming at night ;)

I ordered our new address announcements tonight. We are hoping to have a big rib fest pool party once school is out to show the house off. We were going to have a housewarming type party to have friends and family over to see the place, but really don't want people to get us stuff, so we are going to hold off until I am out of school and we can get our last two room situated. (playroom and dinning room are left... but we just don't use them regularly yet so they are kind of catch all room right now.)

So here are pictures in all of their glory. If you are fb friends, you will see a lot of the same but a few new ones :)

Here are a few before pictures... then progress pictures

 New shutters

 Moving Day

 Moving Crew

 My new sink that you could bath a pony in.

 In the middle of paint trim

 My painting partner... she just wanted to help

 Coat number 3 or was it 4 GAH!

 Easter Sunday - Living room complete just in time for family

 A mirror I just bought cause I loved... fits perfectly above the mantle

 Beginning the pool cleaning... what on earth have we gotten ourselves into?

 Our clearance door... it was a whopping $74 buck! Yep for once in my life I found the deal of a lifetime! Well other than the one we got on our humble abode!

 Once we got the door painted I painted the molding around the door... For some reason it was an off white color and didn't go at all!

 The door makes me so happy! I just love it! I am finally at HOME!

My beautiful house and red tulips! (even though they only lasted about 4 days)

 The pool is cleaned out, water was tested, just need to scrub the sides down

 My Hobby Lobby inspired entry hall. The blue piece was a friend at schools and I painted it to go with the decor. The lamp was my grandparents and I painted it and recovered the shade with chevron fabric. Now all I need is a red vase or something for the blue table.

 Zeke in our new better than eBay chair I am going to reupholster and paint once I find the right fabric.

Zoe conked out in the chair. She is finally feeling at home too!